Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. –Philip K. Dick
I had a meltdown at Turtle Drum tonight.
Tasara had suggested a new format for donations- instead of "pay what you can", she wanted to try "If we have 30+ people, it'll cost $X per person, if we have 20-30, it'll be Y amount," etc. I wasn't real thrilled with the idea- but she's the founder, and we need to make the rent, and I try to be openminded and easygoing- I didn't hate it enough to attempt to shoot it down without trying it out.
I have a lot of traumatic psychological experiences in my past that cause my brain to melt out my ears at the prospect of asking people for money. I know this is my problem, and I need to get over it, but thus far I have not been successful. I cope with it by avoiding situations where I would have to ask people for money, sell shit, or otherwise solicit.
I have told Tasara about my phobia a few times, and when she came up with this new donation procedure, she offered to be the one to present it. Which she did, in an e-mail to the list.
So I had done my little intro and was sucking breath to cast the circle tonight when she waves at me and stands up to explain it again. I thought the timing was very poor- it was an awkward downer to start out with- but I thought, "Okay, swell, I'm not complaining, because she's handling the money thing."
Well, at the end, she's waving at me again and expecting me to stand up and talk about it some more. I freaked out. Obviously we had a communication misfire regarding my impression that she was going to fully handle the money situation. I wasn't prepared. Not only had I not psyched myself up to be called out to speak on this, but I had not memorized the sliding scale, I had not counted heads, and I don't do well at long division even when I'm *NOT* under a ton of pressure. So we stood there and awkwardly hemmed and hawed at each other while everyone stared at us... I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not prepared." and she said, "I'm not going to help you." It was horribly embarrassing, and ended the whole event on a bad note. As we were closing up shop, she dressed me down not only for that, but she also felt that I had failed to explain ritual procedure clearly and thoroughly at the beginning.
She's right- I'll even take responsibility for misunderstanding that I was going to need to stand up and address this at the end, and I certainly take full responsibility for the fact that I have a huge problem around this issue. She came up to me about 10 min later and apologized for being "harsh". But man, that was awful. My confidence has taken a real hit. Right now I don't feel like I'm ever going to want to do this again.
I had a meltdown at Turtle Drum tonight.
Tasara had suggested a new format for donations- instead of "pay what you can", she wanted to try "If we have 30+ people, it'll cost $X per person, if we have 20-30, it'll be Y amount," etc. I wasn't real thrilled with the idea- but she's the founder, and we need to make the rent, and I try to be openminded and easygoing- I didn't hate it enough to attempt to shoot it down without trying it out.
I have a lot of traumatic psychological experiences in my past that cause my brain to melt out my ears at the prospect of asking people for money. I know this is my problem, and I need to get over it, but thus far I have not been successful. I cope with it by avoiding situations where I would have to ask people for money, sell shit, or otherwise solicit.
I have told Tasara about my phobia a few times, and when she came up with this new donation procedure, she offered to be the one to present it. Which she did, in an e-mail to the list.
So I had done my little intro and was sucking breath to cast the circle tonight when she waves at me and stands up to explain it again. I thought the timing was very poor- it was an awkward downer to start out with- but I thought, "Okay, swell, I'm not complaining, because she's handling the money thing."
Well, at the end, she's waving at me again and expecting me to stand up and talk about it some more. I freaked out. Obviously we had a communication misfire regarding my impression that she was going to fully handle the money situation. I wasn't prepared. Not only had I not psyched myself up to be called out to speak on this, but I had not memorized the sliding scale, I had not counted heads, and I don't do well at long division even when I'm *NOT* under a ton of pressure. So we stood there and awkwardly hemmed and hawed at each other while everyone stared at us... I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not prepared." and she said, "I'm not going to help you." It was horribly embarrassing, and ended the whole event on a bad note. As we were closing up shop, she dressed me down not only for that, but she also felt that I had failed to explain ritual procedure clearly and thoroughly at the beginning.
She's right- I'll even take responsibility for misunderstanding that I was going to need to stand up and address this at the end, and I certainly take full responsibility for the fact that I have a huge problem around this issue. She came up to me about 10 min later and apologized for being "harsh". But man, that was awful. My confidence has taken a real hit. Right now I don't feel like I'm ever going to want to do this again.
I haven't been keeping up with the details... but sending you a hug, that sounds like an awful experience!
ReplyDeleteHugs, SK. I understand. But she also knew your phobia and should have made her position clear before you were up in front of everyone. Sorry to throw blame. I have a similar phobia (so why am I trying to sell my work online? So I don't have to sell my work offline... sigh. That's what I used to pay an agent for.)
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that I found to help me with this was to look at the service I am providing as valuable. I had to stop saying 'Oh, its just me, anybody could do this.' The point is that it is you doing it, not this faceless anybody. You have the courage to stand up in front of people and talk. Many, many people would rather cut off their own heads with a blunted butterknife than do that. It's all right to ask for recompense for presenting a skill that you are willing and able to do.
My two cents. I'll go put the soapbox away now.
Oh... and it's the 'love' of money that's the root of all evil... not money itself. I don't think you're greedy, or a miser, SK.
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ReplyDeleteIronically, I am not even asking for recompense- I don't make a dime of profit off Turtle Drum, in fact it costs *me* (gas money for the commute). The donations all go to pay rent for the venue. If we don't get enough donations to cover the rent, the host has to pay the rent out of pocket! But our psychological hangups don't listen very well to reason.
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