Rodrigo doesn't hate me

Rodrigo doesn't hate me. Everything else is secondary.

He had actually called JB to try to track down a phone number for me (I had changed mine several months ago and never updated the info at the school), and left me a voice mail saying he wanted to talk to me. Tonight I went to the Bellevue school before class and took him out to sit in my car and talk (no more drama scenes in the front lobby for the general viewing audience, thank you very much).

I made it clear that no disrespect or disloyalty had been intended, and that had I known what an upset this would be, I would have discussed it with him first.

He made it clear that he is well aware of numerous students (including me) crosstraining with Cindy and he is cool with it. It did sound like that revelation might have been news to Carlos, though, which explains some of his reaction.

He does want us all to come to some sort of understanding of what we're going to do regarding promotions, cornering at tournaments, and maybe a couple of other issues- that won't have anyone stepping on anyone's toes. I feel that those items can be worked out.

He did not beat around the bush regarding the issue of the Revolution "team trophy" points. GB is competitive and wants that team trophy badly. If GB loses to Lotus Club by 2 points, and they could have had two more points had I not double-repped, I will not be the most popular girl around the school for a while. Sleeper Athletics doesn't have enough people in the tournament to be competitive for the team trophy, and it's entirely possible that Cindy doesn't give a fig for those "points". In which case, it would smooth things over politically for me at Gracie Barra if I told the tournament staff that GB could have all my (highly theoretical) points. I don't have much time left to try to broach that conversation with Cindy, but we'll see. And if there's a next time, we can make sure to discuss that.

We discussed a few other respect and loyalty issues, and traditions, and tried to make sure we were on the same page. Didn't have enough time, because he had to go teach the class, but we can talk some more later.

I'm just really, really relieved that Rodrigo doesn't hate me. I hope that he can smooth things out a little with Carlos. Carlos, I fear, may well still hate me. I'm not kicked out of the school. But Carlos is teaching enough of the classes that if I can't deal with him, it's going to be impractical for me to try to train at GB.

I may go to class tomorrow morning at GB Seattle. It will mean facing Carlos, but at least Rodrigo will be there as well. It would be so nice if Carlos and I could establish some kind of bearable-if-uneasy truce before we run into each other at the tournament.... although it will be pretty hard for me if I go in there tomorrow and he completely snubs me.

I also hope gossip of the situation has not spread all over the school. Pat has a big mouth!





JB and I tried to go to Cindy's class this morning, but it was cancelled because Cindy has the flu. I wonder if one of us infected the other on Sunday night. I hope Ian and the other Revolution entrants who were there didn't catch the virus as well. I have been sick since Sunday night. Tuesday and yesterday it seemed to be tapering off, but today it had rebounded. I hope it clears up by Saturday, now that it's looking like the tournament might actually be a go.

Kung fu tonight.... we got locked out of our building because it's Veterans' Day, so we had to make shift with outside.... wet and cold and dark! We did a build-a-form to warm up, then some armlocks. Once again frustrated with trying to do locks on Nemesis... but I did somewhat better on SK and DD.

SK finally got an x-ray done on the wrist that has been hinky since April, and turns out it is BROKEN! So no more BJJ for him, and light on the kung fu, for who knows how long. Hope he won't need surgery.... but it's good that he now knows what the problem is.

tough decisions

OK, it's after midnight and officially too late to make any changes on my registration form. No, I did not officially withdraw. Because I still have absolutely no friggin' idea what I am going to do.

At first it seemed obvious that I can't do that tournament. But the more I thought about having to tell Cindy that, the worse I felt. She has put enough into this that she deserves better from me than to flake out like that.

Showing up at the tournament- with my offending duel-status registration intact- is really drawing a line in the sand (and spitting across it) to Carlos, who made it perfectly clear that the duel-rep is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE to him. I cringe at the thought of doing that to him- likely annihilating all chance of reconciliation with him- and also thus quite possibly sealing my fate of getting either frozen out or downright BOOTED out of Gracie Barra.

Also not looking forward to dealing with all this f'ing drama at a tournament.... as if I don't have enough to be anxious about.

Another joyful thought... possibly having to face down Bianca or other Gracie Barra students who may view me as the worst sort of traitor.... face them not just en masse in the venue, but across the ring. Things could get a little too... REAL.

But the idea of going to Cindy and telling her that despite all the time, all the sweat, all the encouragement and positive pep talks, all the organizing to get good training partners to come over and work with me, all the rolling around on her painfully injured knee, all the things she's done for me in the past couple of months because I asked her to help me get ready for this tournament- sorry, it was all for nothing and I'm wimping out two days before the competition because Gracie Barra is acting like a jealous junior-high boyfriend. Woah. Not sure how she'd react, but I know one of the reactions would be *disappointment* in me. Ouch. I don't know if I can bring myself to do that. I owe Cindy better than that.

I really don't know what I am going to do.

JB is supposed to come train with me tomorrow morning- I wonder if she'd be willing to break my wrist or something and get me off the hook. D'you think that if I eat a Supersize Double Quarter Pounder Meal for three meals a day over the next two days, I'd be over my weight limit? And you know, anything could happen on the drive down to Bonney Lake- flat tire, lost map, carjacking........

hornets, continued

(someone commented)
I'm guessing Cindy hasn't said anything about it?
---------------

That's another conversation that I am not looking forward to.

I wish I didn't have to tell her about this. It's my problem, not hers. But I'm going to have to explain why I'm bailing out of the tournament, and she is not going to be a happy camper. She's really put a lot of work and time and effort into helping me prepare for this tournament. She's kept training on an injured knee that she can barely WALK on. I'm afraid that she's going to be ticked off at Rodrigo, and that she's going to feel bad that this happened because I was trying to rep her school, and I most fear that she's going to feel let down by *ME* for tucking tail and dropping out of the tournament (again, after all her hard work).

It has not escaped my notice that I am the only adult on that registration list who listed Cindy's school. Am I the only Gracie Barra student who is crosstraining at Cindy's? No. Am I the only Gracie Barra student ON THAT TOURNAMENT LIST who is crosstraining at Cindy's? No sir. I am just the only one who had the balls to own it. Maybe that means the others are wiser and I'm a moron... or maybe it's just because I'm not Portuguese.... but where were THEIR senses of personal honor while they were USING Cindy to help their game and then dissing her by declining to rep her school?

The girl who kicked the hornets' nest

That would be me.

The list of registered competitors for the Revolution was posted today.

I'm on it. In the space for "academy" is listed two schools.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not *so* naive that I didn't realize that this was a politically ticklish situation. A little raised eyebows, a little muttering behind the scenes could possibly occur, I thought. But probably not. Because

1)It's not like I'm Kyra Gracie or anything. I am a low-level blue belt who is firmly in the "slow learner" category. I am *not* competitive at the blue belt level right now and we all know it- me included. It's not like I have any chance of WINNING anything. I honestly didn't expect anybody to notice or care what was on my registration.

2)Rodrigo and Carlos both KNEW that I am crosstraining at Cindy's. We never had any direct conversations about it, but they knew... and they knew that *I* knew that they knew. Everybody KNEW, okay? There were no surprises here. They also both knew that I was planning to do the Revolution.


So I was quite taken aback when I walked into GB Bellevue tonight and before I could even take my coat off, Prof. Carlos was pointing me to a chair, kicking everyone else out of the lobby, and having Pat substitute for him to start teaching tonight's class so that he could have a Long Serious Talk with me (such as it is when I have no Portuguese and he has little English and we can each barely understand half of what the other person is saying even on superficial topics) to impress upon me just how profoundly I have F'ed up.

Okay, so I am duly impressed. There are some radical differences of cultural perspective going on here. I now understand that this was viewed by Carlos and Rodrigo as a grave insult and abhorrant betrayal. I feel terrible about that. I certainly had no inkling that this was such a Big Fat Hairy Deal. I get it. I don't necessarily think it's right or think it's fair, but I get their perspective, and I regret having caused this.

Having fully grokked the fact that Houston, We Have a Serious Problem, I then wanted to move on to 1)apology and 2)damage control.

I apologized several times, and I hope that at least some of it got through the language barrier.

I will have to go crawl before Rodrigo as well. And probably in person. Writing an e-mail is tempting, and I can write a very abjectly apologetic masterpiece of an e-mail.... but I don't think that is going to cut it. Gawds, this is going to be awful. I almost certainly *will* cry in front of Rodrigo. Shit.

I am going to have to drop out of this competition. I'm not going to do it tonight, because I'm aware that I'm upset and not "clear" right now, and I have till Wednesday midnight to make changes on the registration form. Don't know if I'll be able to get my fee back, but that's the least of my worries right now.

I asked both Carlos and Pat point-blank (more than once) if my dropping out of this tournament would fix this issue. I didn't really get a straight answer back. The message I seemed to be gleaning from Pat was that the proper thing to do would be to stay in the tournament and drop Cindy's school off my registration. I told him straight up that that option is off the table- I am not going to do that to Cindy. I'll drop out of the tournament- it is really not that big of a deal to me.

I also asked them both if I am being forced to pick one school and quit the other. Again, answers that were frustratingly vague. I seemed to be getting from Carlos that whatever I was doing for my own personal development was fine with him, but it was a problem with competitions and with belt promotions. Okay, I can work with that. Competitions are not a big deal to me. That's not what I'm here for. I'm fine with never doing a competition in my entire life. And as far as promotions, I don't give a flying fig about that either (which is a good thing, because I'll probably never see another one after THIS, ha ha).

What I really value is to not lose any of the great teachers I am fortunate enough to have.... to be able to keep training with all of them. But Carlos seemed to be making it fairly clear that if I was only 50% committed to GB, he was only going to be 50% committed to teaching me. I am very sensitive to rejection... I don't know if I can emotionally deal with being frozen out like that, if that's really the way it would be. And is that the way it would be with Rodrigo, too? If so, then I guess they are making the decision for me. If I'm acutely uncomfortable at GB, I'm not going to be able to train there. That *is*, in a way, forcing me to pick one school and quit the other. And if I'm forced, I will pick the teacher who is not forcing me. I have already been through all these mental gyrations with the two kung fu factions.

Anyway, after I talked with Carlos (or rather, after he did a lot of talking and I did a lot of listening in horror and dismay, and trying to not cry in front of him), then Carlos went in to take over the class and sent Pat out to talk to me some more. They both finished with telling me to go on the mat and train, and we'd talk about this more later. I left. Which was undoubtedly an insult as well, but I was way too upset to train and needed to think about what the hell I am going to do.

I'm not sorry that I decided to train at both schools. Cindy leaving GB was a bad situation for everyone, and left me with a set of bad options to choose from. I didn't want to lose Cindy, I didn't want to lose Rodrigo or the good training partners at GB, and once I got to know Carlos, I didn't want to lose him either. I didn't want to pay tuition at two schools. I picked the seemingly least crappy of a spread of universally crappy options. Cut me some slack, okay?

I'm not sorry that I put both schools on my registration. I am training at two schools. To leave one of them off would have been a much bigger insult than to duel-rep. Again, both Prof's KNEW I was cross-training. Did they really think I was going to just put GB and completely disrespect Cindy?

What I am sorry about is that I have obviously hurt and insulted Rodrigo and Carlos, which I would never want to deliberately do. If I *could* go back and change anything, I would have a personal conversation with each of them about this before I registered. I honestly thought we had a tacit understanding of what was happening here, and nobody seemed upset, so I thought we were all cool.



All I want to do is train, and I try so hard to stay out of all gossip and politics. I don't know why I get caught up in these goddamn soap operas.

sick

Well, a series of unfortunate events conspired to keep me from seeing Lindsey yesterday. I did get to about 40 min of Cindy's open mat. Then I realized that I did not really have the focus required to drive myself to kung fu and back, and I couldn't call SK for a ride because my phone is still fubar'ed. I NEVER miss kung fu- even when I'm too injured to do anything, I still show up to watch. I was really upset at missing these two things, but as someone who has always worked bizarre hospital hours, I'm very aware of my consciousness level and careful to not get behind the wheel unless I know I'm safe to drive. Also, my knee was still hurting... and when I did get home, I realized that I was coming down with something. I think I might have the flu. So I guess it's for the best. I hope I didn't infect everybody at Cindy's place. The irony is that I get a free flu shot through my work, but I haven't had time to do it as of yet.

Anyway, no lunchtime class for me, and likely no evening class either- unless I feel LOTS better by then.

The "middle-sized" people at Cindy's open mat (which category includes me, since there were small kids there to make up an even "small"er category) were working takedowns, which I decided to take a pass on because of the knee. So I did several rolls with Ian. We actually tapped each other out, for a change. I got him once with a choke- it was really sloppy form, but things were tight enough that he tapped anyway. He got me TWICE with triangles, to my disgust. It took him a really long time to finish them once he got them on. He turned us over so that he had a mounted triangle, but the angle wasn't quite right. He eventually figured out that he had to pull on my head to make me tap.

Then I did a couple of short rolls with one of Cindy's kids, at her request. It was a 12-year-old who seems pretty new and clueless, so I went really easy. I got her in loose side controls, and loose back mounts and let her work her way out, then I put her in my guard and let her defend while I went gently for triangles and kimuras.

knee

I had to stand all day at work yesterday, but didn't train at all. I'm disturbed to find that my knee is no better today. Feels swollen and painful. Not real bad, but bad enough that I don't know whether to train light or to take another day off.

Return of Alicia

Friday morning "competition training" at Gracie Seattle. I made a very conscious effort to not be LATE today- so I got there in plenty of time to stretch out. Bryan greeted me with, "Hey Kitsune! Stop talking on the mat!" "Shut up!" "Exactly!" Boys. ((rolling eyes))

During the warmups, there were a few 30-second drills of shrimping-in-place as fast as you could. I used to have so much trouble with this, but now I can do it very well and very fast. Get tired quickly, though! 30 seconds as fast as you can is challenging.

All timed matches today. Seven minutes, with a timer that buzzes when you have 30 seconds left. Bree, BJJJM, Marc twice, a one-stripe white belt guy I've never seen before.

As Bree and I were facing off for the first one, Professor Carlos called, "Don't soil your partner." ??? I let it go, because sometimes if I just think about it for a few minutes, my brain eventually works out the translation. But Bree looked at me and said, "Don't SOIL your partner? Is that what he said? What does that mean?" "I'm not sure, but I'll try to not soil you, Bree." She started cracking up. We never did figure out what he was trying to say.

I notice that there are a couple of techniques that just tick me off because they feel humiliating. Sit-up sweep and (to a slightly lesser degree) slow-motion butterfly sweep. I can see what's going to happen, and I can't do anything about it. Sit-up sweep in particular- I don't know if this is true or just my impression, but it *feels* like people are using their weight to force me over, and the fact that it dumps you ignominously on your ass and then goes right into being front mounted.... I really hate that. And that slow butterfly sweep- the indignity of being spread-eagled in the air and then the embarrassing little anticlimactic PLOP as you hit. Demoralizing.

As per usual, I could get on top of Marc a lot (front mount, side control, knee ride), but his sub defense is really good, and I couldn't finish him off. I came close a few times, but every time I thought "I've got him now," he somehow managed to squeak out. I did get a nice back mount on him- right in front of Rodrigo. It would have been sweet to be able to finish him from there, but I yanked and yanked on the clock choke and he wouldn't tap. Must not have been quite deep enough. Oh well.

Marc has a gnarly aural hematoma. He had it drained, but the compression dressing fell off overnight and it puffed right back up again. He was asking about my earguards, so I gave him the specs (my original Cliff Keens, the "tornado" ones).

The one-stripe white belt guy was not huge, but quite a bit bigger than me. I said, "Go kinda light on me, okay, because you're quite a bit bigger than me." "But you're a BLUE BELT." "Yeah.... but size does matter around here, to some degree," "But you're a BLUE BELT." Great. No pressure or anything.

I love the moment as we slap hands. I'm on equal footing with my opponent, I'm not on the bottom yet, the whole world of possibility is spread before me. Every time has the delicious potential of being a win. But when you're facing a white belt you've never worked with before, that pure moment of rich promise is tempered with "Hmmm, I wonder if this guy is about to go ape$hit and try to rip my head off." His buddy was also sitting right there beside the mat. You know, things like that are really part of a fight strategy that you have to pay attention to. If I'd had the freedom to do so, I would have moved our spar down to the opposite side of the mat so that we weren't rolling eight feet in front of where his buddy was sitting there watching. But the mat was full and we had been placed at that corner, so there we were. I was aware of that factor, though... buddy watching = possible higher reluctance to tap to a girl, and possible higher Captain Caveman Quotient.

He wasn't spazzy, though... and to my surprise, I tapped him in about thirty seconds with a gi choke- the one where you get one deep lapel grip, and grab a handful of gi behind the opposite shoulder and then bring that second forearm around. We restarted, and I grabbed that lapel grip again. I said, "Now I've got one choke grip here, and you know what I'm trying to do, so don't let me get that second grip," He defended for a bit, but then I distracted him and got the same choke a second time.

He tried to tap me with that good ol' newbie standby: Try to squeeze the person to death with your thighs while they're in your guard. This is one of those things that I'd rather die than tap to. This guy had some strong legs, though- it hurt. Luckily he was not high up on my sore ribs proper, or I would have had to tap (if only out of fear of further rib injury). He was lower down on my torso- and although I wanted to vomit up all of my internal organs, I thought, "He can't do that forever- I just have to wait it out." He did about three squeezes, and held the last one in particular till I was on the edge of tapping, but I held out. (I also kept my face in his thigh so he couldn't see how bad it hurt!) Then he gave up (Thank you God) and opened his guard, and I squirted past.

I also scissor swept him twice, which was merry for me.... I never get to scissor sweep anybody but Sabrina!


At the end of class when the mat opened up, after a breather, I asked Marc to go another round. Much the same result as usual. I did kinda whimp out on an armbar because I was trying to not press my shin right up against his hematoma. He eventually tapped out when I was on his back with one choking grip in and fishing doggedly for a second... I don't think I had the choke on, I think he got tired and probably his ear was hurting.




Later..............





Friday night no-gi at Cindy's. Friday nights are becoming quite the Full House over there; there are now usually enough people that we can't all roll at once. Seems like very few pure BJJ people... lots of MMA'ers. Alicia was there again, as well as Jessica (she had come one time before, and was good to roll with) and one other woman whose name I'm blanking on.

I know that working with Alicia is good for me, but I won't lie- she intimidates me. I remembered how rough she was last time. I don't think I'm too much of a wussy about pain, but I don't ENJOY it. More fearsome to me is the prospect of injury, and being on the bench for extended periods of time. I **HATE** that. And it would be a real drag to have trained so hard for the Revolution and then get benched with an injury less than a week out.

After a killer set of warmups (more Dead Bugs!) we drilled a few of the same passes that we've been working on this week. Also, a pass that involves a version of wrestler's cradle... one variation of that one also incorporates a banana split. Cindy started to use Lamont for her demo dummy, then remembered his hurt neck. "Kitsune! What's broken on you?" She took me by surprise with the question, so I stammered, "Uh, nothing..." "C'mere!" "Wait! Ow, my shoulder! Broken knee! Sore ribs!" No dice, I was the dummy! I'm pretty flexible, so I thought I'd do okay with the banana split- but OWOWOW that hurt! She had to get Ian over there to try to demo it better on him, but he didn't split much further than I had.

Timed rolls with all three of the women and with Ian. Alicia and the gal whose name I can't recall- I was on the bottom most of the time, but neither of them got a sub on me- and they were TRYING HARD. Alicia is so rough! She was crossfacing me so hard. Also, she totally put her hand over the lower half of my face and was grinding and prying at it to try to get me to lift my chin more so that she could choke me. Fingers on the face is ILL-LEGAL!! And it wasn't just once, so that it might have been an accident, it was several times. If I was MEANER, I would have bitten her finger after the third or fourth time. But I wouldn't have put it past Cindy or Lamont to have TOLD her to do that kind of thing, in an effort to bring out my "mean".

I saw her do that shimmying standing guard pass on Ian, and remarked to Ian's dad- "I hate that pass!" I didn't feel comfortable trying to defend that particular pass, so I made sure to not get into that position with her this time.

Alicia had my back and tried for a really long time to finish me with various chokes. ROUGHLY. Nope, uh-uh, I am not gonna give you that, especially when you're being a cheeseball and grinding my lips into my teeth. The taste of my own blood hardens my resolve. After time was called, she actually said, "Nice choke defense." Yes, you have to get up very early in the morning to tap me with a choke. Especially when there are no gi pants to grab and torque my spine around.

Jessica- I was on top most of the time, but she made me work hard for it. Neither of us got a sub. We seem fairly closely matched.

Ian- Again I was on top much of the time, but as usual I can't finish any subs on him. He's going to do the Revolution too- hope I get to see his fights. And I hope he does well.

I could have slouched out of there at that point- goodness knows I'd put in my fair share of training for the day. But I girded myself and marched over to where the girls were yakking, and asked who is up for another one. Jessica and the nameless gal had to take off, so Alicia and I rolled again... with pretty much the same results as last time. I did get a nice headlock on her at one point.... I couldn't seem to do anything with it, but it was locked on pretty tight. We struggled around for a while in different positions, and I was not going to let go of that lock. I had her in north-south, me on top. It was the only time so far that I have ever felt in control while rolling with Alicia. For a few minutes I thought I might actually get a tap on that chick, and I got really excited. But I made myself stay calm and not get to rushing and impatience. I could feel exactly what was wrong- the pressure was on the back of her neck, and I needed to either get the pressure on the side or front- where I could choke her- or change our positions to something where I could get enough leverage for a crank of some sort (yeah, I know that's illegal, but she was branching out into illegality first- and I wouldn't have done it unless I was in control enough to do it real slow and careful). But I couldn't suss out how to accomplish it... and eventually she escaped. Rats.

Then we did some rolling wherein she coached me along, directing me how to rack up points. She harrassed me verbally and with little swats whenever I went into turtle and whenever I got stuck in bottom half guard.... chivvying me to keep moving, keep working, don't just hunch there. It was a little annoying, but she's RIGHT, and I knew she was being nice and trying to help me out.... and it did light a fire under my butt. More of that would be very useful for me. I thanked her for helping me, and asked her to try to come back as often as she can.

By the time we were done, there was steam rising visibly off my body. All the windows and mirrors in the place were fully fogged up.

On the way home, I was so ravenous that I could have devoured a live wildebeast. I wanted some candy so bad that I could have cried... at a few different points today. And I even had to stop for gas on the way home, so it would have been the perfect opportunity to grab a little something. But I came home and cooked up my chicken breast... although I did have some teriyaki sauce on it.

I am feeling willpower-weak right now, but I really do not want to fall off the diet wagon so close to the tournament. I would like to be safely under the wire enough to have a decent breakfast and hydrate well the morning of the Revolution. My pasta/rice/breads cravings are relatively brief and mostly ignorable- the first couple weeks were bad, but it got easier. My candy cravings, though.... that's a different story.

The night of the tournament, if I do well, I am going to buy a pizza and a half-pound bag of peanut M&M's to celebrate.

If I do poorly, I am going to buy a pizza and a half-pound bag of peanut M&M's to console myself.

I will likely give myself a little culinary slack for a bit after next weekend, but I am **not** going to put those ten pounds back on. That sucked, and I don't want to do it ever again. I am going to keep weighing myself every day, and not let it creep up on me. I would still like to drop those last four pounds and get to 124 (I am 128 at the moment). That seems like a reasonable goal for the March Revolution.


Now I am achy all over, and my right knee is messed up. I don't recall doing anything specific to it, but there was just so much pain tonight! It was a good hard day of training. Tomorrow I have to work, and if my knee still hurts by the time I leave work, I can take the evening off MA and hopefully let it recover.