Viewpoints on hunger

In _The Hair Of Harold Roux_, probably the best novel about writing ever published, Thomas Williams offers a striking metaphor, maybe even a parable, for how a story is born. He envisions a dark plain with a small fire burning on it. One by one, people come out of the dark to warm themselves. Each one brings a little fuel, and eventually the small fire becomes a blaze with the characters standing around it, their faces brightly lit and each beautiful in their own way.   -Stephen King



In the wake of gaining 15lb on my antianxiety/insomnia meds (I've never been this fat in my life),  I've shifted my attitude about hunger.

Hunger is very like pain. A physical sensation that- like pain- can be acknowledged, then ignored, and moved past. I'm really good at pushing through physical pain.

In past dieting attempts, I would eat when the hunger got bad enough- not because I was really giving in to the hunger, but because I was afraid that I would get too tired, muzzy-headed (especially at work or in the car), or nauseous to function. (If I get hungry enough, I get nauseous, and I hate that...) I was particularly anxious that if I didn't eat decently before BJJ class, I would not be able to perform.

I'm big on the line between pain vs incapacity in MA..... the same line can be applied here. As I acknowledge and dismiss the hunger, I can say to myself,  "I'm going to be really alert now for signs of actual incapacity- ie, muzzy-headedness, nausea, or inability to focus on what needs to be focused on- at which point, I *will* eat." And that incapacity will be very rapidly reversed with a little food.

I'm also back to those mouse-portions. I've noted in the past that it really only takes a disconcertingly tiny amount of food- like 1/3 of a cup- to satisfy my hunger.  My freezer is now stuffed with individual mouse-portions of several different ready-to-go meals.

In the past I've tried to do a lot of substitutions- diet pop for regular, fruit and butterless popcorn for candy snacks, that sort of thing. I still feel that substitutions are a great tactic and will continue to use them, but really I have developed a bad habit of just constantly putting things in my mouth, and I need to simply stop putting things in my mouth. Unless it's the rim of a water glass.

I had 3 Dr Peppers yesterday, but only one the day before, and one the day before that. Very minimal snacking. My assistant brought in banana bread- it was sitting there yesterday and the day before, and I didn't have a single bite. Snacking on bad things at work has been a particular trouble spot for me, and I need to face that head-on and be strong enough to resist that break-room table.

I've lost 6lb so far. I am really determined to get back down to my normal walking-around weight, at least (130-132).  If I can't get down there, I will consult the doc about changing my meds. But I'm going to try this first.  I have decreased the dosage of my insomnia med because of the persistant nightmares, and now can usually get tolerable sleep on only 1 pill instead of the 3 it was taking before. That may help. I don't know which of the 2 meds is causing the weight gain, but both of them have that listed among their side effects. At first I was really pissed off and resentful, blaming the meds- and I still am, to some degree- but I quickly saw that that attitude was just facilitating a "screw it" sort of attitude that none of this was my fault and could not be helped, and that is another of my pitfalls- failure to take personal responsibility. Instead I am trying to view the meds as bestowing the vauable superpower of being able to survive on next-to-no food. Embrace that instead of fighting it. It is a good zombie-apocalypse tool.

If I get to 130 and decide to go down to my tournament weight, which is my ideal weight (124), so be it.

What 100 calories looks like

The martial arts are one of the methods that can teach the body to reawaken the sleepy senses. Those smart enough not to put them back to sleep at the end of the training see their everyday life filling up with magic. -Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path





134.5 (again).

Snyder's Of Hanover honey mustard pretzel pieces: 100 calories = 1/6 of a cup. Do you understand how small 1/6 of a cup is???!!??

I don't like counting calories- but I am a scientist, and my brain wants formulae. I want to see "You do A, you get B." Solid, predictable cause-and-effect. I understand that. I can work with it. I can't handle days like the one I had a few weeks ago where I ate very little, did 3 BJJ classes and found the following morning that I had actually *GAINED* a half pound. That sort of thing makes me feel like it's not even worth trying.

Plus, I'd like to know how many calories I really have to stay under in order to lose weight- and have some factual vindication that I am some kind of freak whose body gains weight just by breathing oxygen. Not that that will help my situation, but at least I can play the martyr with more heartfelt bitterness.

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Sunday lunchtime in Seattle with (newly brown-belted) Coach Peter. He is quite unhappy at being promoted, BTW. Hee hee... Jiu jitsu artists are always so hot to get their blue belts, and after that they hate and fear each successive promotion more and more. I find it amusing.

There were only 5 of us today, all big men except for Angus (who is medium-sized); a brown belt, two purples, and two almost-purples.

 King Of the Hill from various positions. No real surprises for me here. A few things, I am very good at (passing top half guard); more things I consistantly suck at (holding back mount).

 I felt that I did a decent job staying fairly competitive today, considering the sizes and skill levels I was facing.

Study Hall- spider guard

The energy is always there within reach. It is a fire that doesn’t always burn in the open, but under the skin the coals are always lit. Anyone sensitive enough can feel the vibration. As soon as you enter a room, right away you perceive who is an individual from head to toe and who has never listened to the voice of the body. -Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path



Thursday and Friday: walk to work and back.


Friday evening "Study Hall" at Bellevue with Doug. It was "purple belt nite"!

Fun with spider guard.

Begin in closed guard, transition to spider guard. Work a little from side to side... one leg straight, one bent...fluid hip movement. John advises that I try to get my butt a little closer to opponent.

Let left leg slide past bicep and yank opponent's arm diagonally across your chest. Swing hips out so that your right ear is toward your opponent. Drop that outside leg to the floor and bring it back against opponent's leg as you lift to the ceiling with the other foot (still in spider guard position). Sweep. Take KOB (I actually preferred to front mount instead, as it seemed that attempting KOB was opening myself up to the half guard).

Closed guard to Spider guard again. Side to Side. Now drop right shin horizontally across opponent's chest. S/he will try to pass. Underhook hir lead leg and use it- along with your remaining spider guard side- to sweep.

Two 10 minute rolls with Daniel and one with Doug. Daniel wants armbars. I'm good at jerking my stubby arms out of those, but he got close a few times... then I started being more careful. Doug kept putting me in back mount, but he was being nice and letting me escape (although he did not make it easy by any means).

GB Bellevue has a grill sitting out front. They were already starting steaks during the open mat. I had to leave, as I am dieting.

I have survived all week on portion sizes that would not nourish an infant fieldmouse. I am down from 139 (at PSG) to 134.5 (this morning).

I have decided to cut down to 128 (still in the "overweight" category by the Bullshit Mass Index standards) and then take a bikini pic. I will hold a paper over my face that says "This is what an "overweight" BMI looks like". I will use this as a visual aid if I have to file a grievance with my workplace. I might get a body fat percentage done too, just for shits and giggles, as I'm sure that will be crazy low and will make the BMI Patrol look even more retarded.