Takeoff, crash

People comfortable with high levels of violence have learned to skip steps in escalation. -Rory Miller




Thursday and Friday BJJ last week- I did it, but was too lazy to write it up.

This Thursday I had to take my dog to the vet- she had a cauliflower ear just like her mommy! So I only got to class on Friday (Kirkland). I only did drills because I just got tattooed the night before (shouldn't have been in there at all... it hurt.... but I just couldn't bear skipping).

Someone got on my case while ago for sticking my *bottom* knee in while trying to replace guard from under side control; I'm not sure why my brain wants to do that, but it does, so I have been trying to break myself of it. Tonight we did a technique wherein you *do* stick your bottom knee in first (HA!) and then swing the top one over the back of the opponent's neck, and attack that arm with a figure 4. Made them summersault, then go belly-down and lock the shoulder. I need to avoid getting so anxious about controlling the person that I can't deal with the figure 4, and I also need to cope with my instinctual reluctance to do *anything* beside let go of everything and try to jump on top once they summersault. You actually have to belly-crawl AWAY from them a bit to get that lock, and they really can't get out, even if my caveman brain is yammering that they are loose and flopping and getting ready to get up and smash me.

I know I have been bad about blogging lately. I had some kind of epiphany last month where I went down to the River and (metaphorically) threw away some burdensome life crap, and then I spent about a week and a half in a strange state of feeling too big for my physical boundaries. It was a very dramatic Kundalini-Awakening type of thing. I have touched it before, but never so strong or lasting that long.  I got really excited ("I'm Superwoman! I am going to do ALL OF THE THINGS now! I am a higher manifestation!"), then I got scared, then I set earnestly to work self-sabotaging (partly by stuffing myself with so much sugar and carbs that I feel exhausted and weak and am fatter than I ever imagined I'd be).  It is a recurrent pattern that I am well aware of, but this time it was happening in 3D, technicolor and Slo-mo. I'm frustated with my state of own-worst-enemy-ness. I remember that feeling, though. I want it back. Permanently.

In the meantime, I persevere in studying both Portuguese and ASL (see how I get in my manic state, LOL... I almost added Chinese on top of it, but decided that that was insane- will save that for later) and studying for the EMT course (which should be starting in February).

I commited to hosting a self-defence class at PSG next year (assuming it's approved, which I can't imagine it wouldn't be). It will be discusion only, focused mainly on how to spot and avoid trouble. I may do a Part 2 with some simple physical tricks if there seems to be enough interest. I asked onlist if there was anyone who would co-host so that we could get some different perspectives and experiences from different training backgrounds. Didn't get a response as of yet. I'll ask again when it gets closer.  I'm excited about it, even if I have to do it by myself. I have all sorts of ideas. I've been thinking of doing it for a few years , but now is the time. The Pagans, the gay folks, the trans folks and other fringe elements are scared and want to know how to stay safe.

Anatomy of a slump

Ultimately what I believe, or don’t believe, doesn’t really matter. The only thing that beliefs do for me is close my mind to different possibilities. -Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path


For the next little while we are going to be taking a detour through SlumpLand.  I apologize for being more dull and depressive than usual. However, if you are new to your MA journey and have never had one of these before, please do stick around and watch the show. It's important to understand that this is part of the MA journey, and that they suck, but they do go away.  I see a lot of people put down by their first serious Slump to the point where they quit. Don't let it get you.

So the worst one one of these that I've had thus far was in Kung Fu, and it lasted a full 7 months. Man, did that one bite. Most of them tend to last a few weeks. I can only speak to my own experience with them- maybe other people's slumps are different. I haven't figured out, as of yet, how to make them go away. Fighting harder as they descend seems to make them worse. The law of negative returns kicks in. It's like the Universe has decided to tap me out, and the Universe is a 350lb black belt with PMS, so struggling against the inevitable seems to only prolong the process. Tap tap tap. There ya go, Universe. You win. Now let's restart.

The last time I had one of these, I had finally figured out that part about "fighting harder only prolongs the process", so instead of spending a long while denying what was happening, and then struggling in futility and frustration like a fly in a web, I simply acknowledged that I was having a slump and validated my emotions about it. Then I tried a fresh tactic. Instead of increasing my training hours, I cut out all sparring and just did drills for a few weeks. I think it's critical to **NOT** stop going to class. Your conditioning goes to hell, if nothing else. TV and video games start to look attractive again. Your diet goes out the window and the weight starts coming on.

Positional training actually is worse than free sparring at this point.... unfortunately, while it's fairly easy to avoid sparring for a few weeks (with the exception of the odd class where the teacher decides that's all we're doing for that day), it's impossible to do just drills and opt out of positional sparring unless I want to fake an injury. Being a straightforward person with a low BS tolerance, I don't want to go there. So there will have to be some positional training, but I'll just have to deal with it as best I can.

Avoiding sparring and just doing drills minimizes the amount of failure that one has to deal with on a daily basis. It breaks you out of the Deadly Failure Spiral. It's critical to be able to deal with failure- in MA, getting our asses kicked repeatedly is how we learn- but when you're in SlumpLand, it's difficult to keep this in perspective.

Tonight- after pummelling, keylocks, figure-4 armbars and the same takedown we did this morning- I had to do positional sparring with Dave and two medium-sized white belts. Now, Dave has been a prince to me lately, and he only wants to help, and I truly appreciate his efforts. But I've been doing BJJ long enough to be able to tell when you're handing something to me. It doesn't make this better. It was actually easier to cope with being smacked down soundly by two white belts than it was to cope with Dave dialling his performance to just a half notch above mine and then handing me a guard replacement at the end. But it's the thought that counts, and I have enough presence of mind to will myself to accept it- if not with as much grace as I would wish, at least without openly snarling at him. I once got snippy with Ben during a Slump- this was like three years ago- and I immediately felt awful about it and still do to this day, so I try really hard to be mindful to not take out my frustrations on my teammates.

I'm hoping to come up with at least one new tactic to experiment with during this Slump. Still looking for a method to actually make it go away.

Izzy got her first stripe today, which is awesome.