Zero sum

I'm noticing this week how incredibly poor my diet decisions become when I am tired. Sometimes it's like, "OMG, I just have to somehow survive until after (fill in final responsibility for the day)... whatever it takes..." Often what it takes is some sour cream and onion baked Ritz crackers.

I'm also noticing the distinct zero-sum pattern of my diet. If I'm trying to moderate my caffeine, I'll think, "I'm going to eat whatever I want, just until I detox from caffeine..." and if I have been really disciplined about my food, it's "I've been so calorically good today... I can have another Dr Pepper."

Another zero-sum thing I will do is, "I did all this extra sparring this morning, I can have some cookies and not feel guilty."

Food (and soda) are such cheap, easy, quick and immediate gratifications. If I feel like I need an indulgence (or if I feel like the world OWES me an indulgence, LOL), it's immediate, easy, quick and cheap. I could indulge in a new book, a hot bubble bath, other non-food "treats"... but none of them have that immediate, easy, cheap and quick thing going on.

I need to break out of that "zero sum" thought pattern. I need to stop seeing junk food and pop as "treats" when they are actually a distinct destructive force in my life. I need to stop feeling that the world OWES me a Snickers bar when things are going crappy. I need to redefine the idea of an indulgence; that does not involve consuming things.
These self-destructive thought patterns are persistently keeping me at about ten lb heavier than I want to be, as well as probably phucking with my energy levels and sleep patterns.