Eye-opening

The four lines people cross that take their actions out of the self-defense justification are:
1)The threat isn't physical
2)The threat isn't immediate
3)They cross into excessive force
4)They participate in the creation and escalation of the situation.
-Marc MacYoung

Thursday BJJ in Bellevue. I had a really good spar with Seth; asked him to not let me do any escapes so that I would be forced to try other things. He praised me for staying on the move.

Thursday BJJ in Bellevue.  A lot of King Of the Hill from back mount. As usual, I was doing well at escaping back mount and I was not doing well at keeping it.

Friday evening BJJ in Bellevue. All spars. Carlos left early, so Chrisanne wanted to spar with me for the first time in forever. I didn't injure her. Another good spar with Seth (no escapes allowed). Kevin.... OMG. Nobody rolls like this guy. Every BJJ artist on the planet should get a chance to roll with this guy once just to experience it.  That Brazilian purple belt woman that I have always found challenging- neither of us was able to tap the other tonight, and we spent a long time working standup... so nice to get to work standup with someone my own size. New girl: she stared at me wide-eyed after time was called and exclaimed, "That was..... so EYE-OPENING!"  

Chrisanne is competing next month for the first time. She has 4 stripes on her blue belt. I have spent a lot of time puzzling over our differing strategies. She has done everything possible to set herself up to win. Whereas anyone who has been reading my blog for a while well knows, I am self-sabotaging- I set things up so that if I lose, I have excuses. It seems like either Chrisanne or I have things fucked up- and I suspect it's me.

Oh, it's Telephone-Pole-Legs again.

Most blunt weapons can also be used to thrust. This is the one really dangerous application of most staff work. Except for brainstem/neck/head hits- which are relatively tough to get- most of the swing targets don’t do lethal damage. The thrust can, and it tends to be slow and sneaky damage. –Rory Miller


Proving Grounds- no surprises here. I fought Chelsea "Set Em Up and Knock Em Down" Kyger twice in gi and she did exactly what I expected her to do- got me under side control, zipped me up real tight, and then muscled me into a sub. Lord, she is strong. She tapped me with a cross collar choke... usually if I have one hand controlling the elbow, I can scuttle those- but she just forced it on through. I almost went out. I've never gone out on the mat, but that's the closest I've come. The black roses didn't bloom in front of my eyes, and I thought I was fine. But AFTER I tapped and she got off me and I sat upright on my knees, all the sound went away and I had a split second that felt like a skip on a DVD. It was so weird. I've never had it manifest that way. Chelsea also pulled off an absolutely lovely fireman's carry takedown on me. Our second match, I managed to not get subbed (I'm happy about that) but she was still on top most of the time.

She plowed me again in no-gi. Then I had the 124lb girl.... I felt bad for her, she was a scrapper, but Chelsea ate her alive. Susan and I both beat her too (rear naked, in my case), but she made us work for it.

I didn't recognize Susan, although she said that we had fought that the last PG. Then while I was watching her fight Chelsea, I saw one of her legs swing over Chelsea's head, and I had a little traumatic flashback: "OHHHHHH, it's the Telephone-Pole-Legs Girl!!!!!!!!" Last time, I had spent our match trapped in her closed guard, so I did not want to go there again. She seeems to have no takedowns.... she just circles endlessly to her left and grip fights.... but I was intimidated to try to get in because her limbs are so long. Finally she pulled guard, and I had one knee in, but I was so TIRED that I couldn't prevent her from shoving it out and putting me in closed guard. This time, she did open her guard and try several times to sweep me. I defended her sweeps and subs but couldn't seem to find the energy to pass. It ended in a tie, but she got a tie with Chelsea, which put her in front of me.

Griff reffed all of my fights, so he will hopefully have help for me. I think the only fight Cindy saw was my winning one (that would be nice). I couldn't see either her or Carlos, but I could hear them both trying to corner me from opposite ends of the ring. I could also hear Carlos hollering at me during my Susan match, but I could not bring action to his orders.

Man, I hate competing. But Lamont is a friend and I want to support his event. It seems to be really meaningful to him for some reason that I show up.

It's fun watching Craig in the comp ring. He is so relaxed, and smiles often.

Your most imporant part

At an advanced level, a mature practitioner should begin to “look outside of the box” of his or her base style. At an advanced level, studying outside your base allows one to better perceive recurring patterns in human attack; that there are only certain ways  that a particular joint or limb can move without injury; or that certain techniques are designed to produce or capitalize on a particular physiological reaction common to the species. It is therefore understood that ultimately, there may be a “correct” method to execute technique X within system Y, but ultimately, another system utilizes a nearly identical body mechanic in a related and equally effective manner to counter the same recurring human self-protection problem. The only “correct” method, therefore, becomes the effective application of that body mechanic in neutralizing or escaping a threat, and the study of individual style  (judo, jujitsu, karate, aikido, and so on) comes to be seen as simply an individual on-ramp to what amounts in the end to a much larger road.  –Michael Thue


Attempting to channel anger into one's MA is inefficient, dangerous (to both parties) and potentially ego-wrecking (in a negative way; positive ego-wrecking being an actual valid thing in MA). Good to remember when a buddy impales me in the self esteem the day before a comp. Guy is a decent person and good friend, but possibly the most insecure person I have ever met in my life (worse than me, ha ha!). It is incredibly threatening to his masculinity to think that I might be able to beat him up if it came down to it. The fact that I have trained multiple MA's for twenty years while his ass has been parked on the couch is irrelevant. I am not invested in needing HIM to know I could beat him up- it costs me little to throw him that bone, and I have (although, it must be admitted, with increasing levels of sarcasm as the years go by). Yet I have tried many times to explain to this friend that I don't want to hear about it repeatedly. Regardless of the truth or untruth of the statement, it is disrespectful and just plain shitty of him to keep saying this to me when he knows what a big part of me is invested in MA. It is invalidating. And yes, I freely admit that my own self-esteem is crappy, and I am not in a position to shrug off his statements without being hurt, pissed, and unbelieveably frustrated. And thinking it may be true.

Anyway, he hit me with this again today, and it has raised angsty feels that I did not need the day before a tournament. I informed him that he has reached the bitter end of my tolerance tether on that score, and if he ever says that to me again, we are through. Needed to be done. But I am left feeling even more disheartened and conflicted than usual on tournament eve.

Was reflecting that defeatism/confidence/self esteem are by far the hairiest challenge for me in my MA journey. Making one wonder- if you're into all that esoteric crap- if that's what it all about, if that's what it's all FOR, for me. A higher power or my subconscious or whatever trying to use MA to heal my esteem. It occurrs to me that it may be necessary to actually try my hardest and fail, and cope with that. Actually trying my hardest and failing anyway is such a terrifying prospect that I can't even wrap my brain around it. But I'm not sure where else to go from here, as I am making little if any progress on my defeatism. It may be that the only way through it is- THROUGH it. Straight through.

Friday evening BJJ in Bellevue.

Drill- pushups and sprawl to backtake. After we did all the reps, Chrisanne collapsed on the mat to wait for the rest oft he pairs to finish. I said, "Oh no. Get up. We're starting over."

Sparring. I tooled a white belt, got tooled by a blue belt, played defense with another white belt who had already been too rough with Chrisanne, so I knew I had to wach it with him. Had Chrisanne (at my request) get me in bottom side control and front mount and just hold me down. She did it very well. I couldn't get out.  She also has excellently painful Shoulder Of Justice.

Then....

Carlos, after matching up everyone in the class except me: "Come here Keetsune, we gonna talk about smashing. (wicked grin)"

Kitsune: "Oh boy. Okay, as long as all we're going to do is TALK."

Carlos (more wicked grinning)

Chrisanne: "When she asks to be smashed by *ME*, that's a different thing than getting smashed by *YOU*."

So he did to me the same thing that Chrisanne did, and if I couldn't escape *HER*,  you can guess how well I did against him. He advises more hipping up, observing that I am underutilizing my "most important part".

After we did that for a while, he started latching onto subs and then reprimanding me for passing his guard instead of dealing with the sub attempt first. That is another item for the file of "Sloppy shit that works on lower belts but not on purples and up.... so it's time to stop doing it." Usually I can pass guard and *then* get out of the sub attempt, which has been weakened by the now-suboptimal positioning. The purple belts and up, though, will often set traps that cause you to sub your own self when you move.

Carlos, re: the comp: "We all gonna be there- me, Professor Hodrigo, Professor Lindsey...."

Kitsune: "Wonderful."   (gahhhhhhhh!!)

Jiu Jitsu On Ice

The best targets for a swing with a (n impact weapon)- unlike a blade- are bones. You can bruise muscle with a club or staff and even get a “charley horse”, but for the most part an adrenalized threat won’t feel the pain, won’t notice immediately and it won’t swell up until long after the fight is over. Smash his finger bones, however, and he loses the ability to hold his (weapon) immediately. –Rory Miller



Thursday no-gi, Bellevue.

Several drills, most of them new to me. Missing the first part of the week is proving to be problematic lately, as Carlos has been teaching new drills and then building variations off those same drills for the remainder of the week.

Half guard sweep: From standing, one meathook behind neck and one outside bicep grip. Shove the bicep across opponent's body and drop to your butt, putting hir leg in half guard (on the side OPPOSITE the way you shoved hir arm). Underhook hir remaining leg and scissor your own legs as you roll, sweeping hir forward. My main problem here is that I tended to be in too much of a hurry and didn't want to take the time and effort to underhook the leg properly. I also didn't seem to want to let go of that meathook. On Chrisanne, it was possible to retain the meathook all the way through the technique, but I was pulling her down with main strength. On a bigger/stronger opponent who is going to posture up and fight the meathook, I am going to need to be more aggressive about attacking the legs.  Note also that you end up in top half guard. Best to anticipate this and make passing a fluid and uninterrupted part of the total package before the opponent can do anything about it.

You standing, opponent on hir back before you with feet on your hips. Shove the legs over hir right shoulder and place your hand on the small of hir back. Stack mercilessly until s/he wants to roll into turtle. Hug hir shoulders from behind (over/under) and place your head on the mat on the opposite side of hirs- ABOVE it a bit. Roll. The head placement is critical because otherwise, you will finish with a backtake (which is fine, but not our objective ATM). Getting a good grip and THEN doing the roll is critical. You need not fret as much as usual about being pasted tight to hir back first. As long as your hug is technically correct, the recieving end of this is painful and chokey enough that you find yourself needing to go along for the ride whether you like it or not. You end in a T formation, and usually the opponent's far arm is just waiting for you to trap it with your legs. Now you can do a shoulder lock or a choke (or if you are having That Sort Of Day, both!)

Rolls with Chrisanne, JP, and Casey. I asked all of them to get me in side control or/and front mount, and then just be heavy and try to hold me there, because that has been my experience with Chelsea (whom I will be battling tomorrow in both gi and no-gi). Not that Chelsea just holds me there- but she DOES tend to get in one of those positions ASAP, efficiently zip up every molecule of space, and then rest her superior weight, significant musculature and excellent grounding skills on me while she leisurely selects a sub and finishes me off. I need to stay the hell out from under her (which also means I can't pull guard at the beginning.... fighting for the takedown with her is not going to be any picnic, but I should try), and do my damndest to get out from under before she gets me bagged and tagged, if she does get on top. She's so heavy and tight that in the past, once she lands there, I have felt an immediate futile leaking away of all strength and energy, and could just lie there  gasping helplessly while she finishes. I wish I knew how to counteract the feeling of weakness and exhaustion that grips me in this scenario. It takes all the fight out of me.

Anyway, I was able (with specific focus) to stay mostly out from under Chrisanne, but the boys very efficiently put me in side control and pinned me. I continue to want to put an arm up beside my head. I need to frame and stop giving away my arms. Another thing I did a couple of times with JP was to move both arms to one side of my midline, as Georgette has advised against. Also, as Georgette pointed out and JP pointed out AGAIN last night, I want to try to get my BOTTOM leg in first to try to replace guard. I tend to instinctually try to get my top leg in. I feel vulnerable lying on my back, and always feel a driving instinct to get belly-down. This results in backtake, which I am currently making a greater effort to avoid.

I need to keep in mind that tomorrow's comp is sub only, no time limits, and I don't need to get my panties in a knot if I have to lie under side control for a while.... as long as the time is not being used by Chelsea to vacuum up all the extra space (in which case I *do* need to light a fire under it, because "it's not gonna get any better").

Apparently we may have a few additional opponents in no-gi, bu I don't know who. I don't think it's anyone I know. It's just Chelsea in gi.

Amusingly, JP apologized for sweating on me. I told him that he had BETTER be sorry, because I do not like sweat and I do not want to get all sweaty in here. Casey was wallowing in a lake of sweat and it was like Jiu Jitsu On Ice. Chrisanne also gave me a fat lip- but since that doesn't affect function, I don't really give a darn.

It's been raining for three straight days... and I cannot pull blackberries, nor work on my yard terracing, nor work on my fence, which is driving me crazy. Also, being stuck inside, I am fighting the munchies. I registered at 131- and it's probably not going to matter (Chelsea's quite a bit bigger, don't know about any others), but I did get down to 129 and it's frustrating to backslide.

"She's tough!"

Perfect is the enemy of  good.  - Voltaire


Saturday competition training in Seattle.

Lord, this comp class wipes me out. I don't know how long I am going to be able to keep doing this. Usually I have to bail on the second hour- which I went in today determined to not do- but the cardio, at my age and carrying the ten extra pounds I'm currently carrying.... UUUUUUUURGGGGGGGGGGHHH.   I was whimpering as I climbed out of the car back at the Mount Index Daunless Outpost after class. Right now my thighs ache the way they usually do the morning after. Which means tomorrow morning is going to suuuuuuuuuuuuuck. But what a great week of training!

Chrisanne hasn't had a chance to work with Georgette yet, so I told her she could have first crack at asking Georgette to drill. She's like, "Oh my God, no, I'm just a blue belt... you go ahead..." so I went to the locker room and told Georgette that Chrisanne really wanted to drill with her but was too shy to ask.   ;)   I had been hoping that Z or (short) John would be there today, but none of my favorite men were there (unless you count Lindsey and Griff, whom I can't really ask to drill unless they offer). I also didn't want to shanghai Casey, because we had already used each other to warm up before class. Now that Pat is brown, I feel a little awkward asking him to drill an entire class with me unless he offers first. This put me with Emma, a white belt that I seem to recall working with once or twice before. She had weight on me as well as enough skill to match if not dominate me.

Standup- one lapel grip that you can't let go of; try to get a takedown. I couldn't get anything on Emma, who has very superb reaps and was also trying a few other things.

Standup to pulling half guard.

We were doing some rather complex multi-step drills, and it was a struggle to get all the steps.

Opponent has spider guard. You pull back, squat, and pass your left hand UNDER the leg to grip inside of pantleg. Step to the opposite side and stand/yank upright, then crouch so that hir thigh is trapped atop yours. S/he tries to roll away, you take the back. It flows really well *IF* you shove your right knee between the floor and hir waist just as s/he rolls- the momentum seems to sorta suck you right into the gap and there you are with your hooks and choke sunk.

Opponent has Del a Riva. You turn your right knee (the one s/he has trapped) to the outside. (This same detail was in one of the techniques Carlos did with us earlier this week, so THAT step at least was easy). Then kick that same leg in the opposite direction, and pass to that side. DO NOT LET GO OF THE PANTS during any of these passes, until you are well past and the position is secure- otherwise s/he will just roll away from you.

Lots of drill reps, interspersed with about a zillion more periods of takedown sparring, and some random positional sparring. All the takedown fighting, combined with the repetitive get-up-get-down of the half guard pulls, and all the get-up-get-down of those spider guard passes, had me reeling with exhaustion. I made a very poor account of myself against Emma, which was kind of embarrassing. I really notice how tired I get when we do drills that involve a lot of having to stand back up over and over, as opposed to drills where you just stay on the ground and roll/wiggle back into place after each rep.

I had wanted to get at least one roll with Georgette, but she had to go (which was probably just as well, since I'm not sure I had the energy left to fight off a newborn kitten at that juncture).  I sat a while (mainly because I was wishing someone would come along to carry me out to the car), then noticed Lindsey sitting on the mat with his back to me. So of course I had to take it.

He stuck his head right up into my favorite gi choke, but I still couldn't finish it on him. He explained that if I can crawl my guard up a little higher on his back and/or teepee my feet up a bit, I might be able to get that little bit extra enough to finish.

It was amusing to have both Chrisanne and Georgette come up to me separately afterward and say of one another, "She's tough!"

I am considering calling out Anica for the next Revolution- not because I'm ready to compete again or because I think I can beat her, but because having a comp on my schedule seems to be the only way I can reliably discipline myself to get my weight back down to normal. If Georgette competed, we could have a three-woman purple belt bracket between 120 and 140.

This got me thinking again about my defeatism problems and my utter lack of making any progress on them. I don't know what to do. I'm considering pinging Side Control (Dave) on FB and see if he has any advice. I don't really have any reason to think he has the answers to this issue, but I'm just not feeling comfortable discussing this with any of the other black belts right now for some reason. I can't really imagine any of them dealing with persistant and serious defeatist mindsets. Dave is at least near my age and he says he has a cruddy comp record at black, so maybe he would at least be able to relate a little easier than some of these BJJ machines.

STAY RIGHT HERE.

It is a historical constant that the strong rule the weak, and any shade of liberty enjoyed by the weak is nothing more than the benevolence of the strong.  You need guns because the world is full of the strong, and not all of them are benevolent. -John Fogh



Seattle Open.

The scorekeeping situation actually looked complex enough that I think it would have really stressed me- with my math issues- out.  So fortunately I ended up as a ring coordinator- which is a much bigger job, but used a lot of my best skills.  (I used Herald Voice until my throat hurt and the low tones started to crack a little.... but by gosh everybody heard me!) THANK GOD, though, it was not double elimination. It was complicated enough as it was. If it had been double elimination, my head would have exploded in under 20 min. Also, my horrible memory blanks for names and faces gave me some problems, but I just kept asking people their names over and over and they just kept telling me. Even I didn't have that flaw, it would have been a challenge with wrangling that many people. The women were easier. But the guys.... hundreds of identical short-haired, muscley dudes in white pajamas.

If I had expected to cut a smart authoritative-looking figure in my snazzy IBJJF blue vest and super-official clipboard, that went out the window immediately when I tripped over somebody's water bottle and fell on my face in the bullpen right in front of about 700 people.

If that had not humbled me sufficiently, one of the two refs at my station greeted me with "Aren't you the girl who had to fight CINDY HALES at that sub-only comp earlier this year??!?" Then went on to regale me with blow-by-blow lowlights of said match. Ah well... as I told him, it had been an honor just to stand on a tournament podium with Cindy Hales.

So, ten straight hours of work with one quick pee break and one rapidly-gobbled sandwich. I juggled up to five interweaving brackets at once, herded cats all day (It's amazing how many people can't follow an instruction as simple as "go to the table with the big SIX on it" or "STAY RIGHT HERE" and then you have to drop everything and chase them down again), I also had to do all my own ID checks, my own weigh-ins, report all the official results, no one was checking my work, and I did not fuck anything up although there was epic potential for fuckup at every turn.  and I must say that I think I did a terrific job, especially for a virgin ring coordinator. Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows how self-critical I am, so if I say I did a terrific job, that means I did a DAMN FINE job.

Of course there was one staff member who was all up in my grill much of the day criticizing small things that yes, I would have fixed if I was perfect and flawless, but they were small things that should have been overlooked in light of aforementioned DAMN FINE job. Recognizing the dude as a fellow anal-retentive Type A control freak, of course I had to realize that this was the person who knew everything that was going on. So instead of having The Clash Of the Control Freaks (which I would have lost, being on his home turf), I instead started popping up in HIS grill every time I had an empty-mat moment and badgering him to give me some more brackets. It was an interesting exercise in consciously handling a problem in a way I would not normally have been moved to handle it.

Critical Guy (randomly popping up like an evil jack-in-the-box over my shoulder to stab an accusatory talon at my clipboard): Why did you do THIS?

Me: We already covered this. You told me ten minutes ago to do XYZ, so I did XYZ. See?

CG (after staring at clipboard for a few minutes and letting me sweat it out): Okay. I just wanted to hear you explain it.

Me (thinking): You asshole...
Me (saying, very flatly) Okay. You scared me. I thought I fucked something up.

I think the tone of my voice (along with the fact that he had been WRONG and didn't want to cop to it and we both knew it) let him know it was time to back off me just a little.

(Snarky note: Why the fuck does anyone answer a question with "You don't know how to do that?" or "Nobody told you how to do that?" DUMB-ASS, If I knew how to do it or someone had already told me how, WHY WOULD I BE ASKING YOU RIGHT NOW???? The only purpose of that question is to make the other person feel even worse about not magically already knowing everything about a job they've never done before.)

The worst moment of the day was having to explain to a guy that his single competitor had not shown up, and he had come here for nothing. I felt really bad. I also had to DQ a couple of people. 

It felt weird being at a tournament and not competing. I kept feeling like I should be having nausea and tremors.

Unfortunately I was too busy to be able to watch matches.

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In firearms news:  I don't want to sound callous or anything, but the timing of the local school shooting in regards to the two major gun control items on the current ballot is very unfortunate.

"I'm a purple belt."

BJJ isn't about doing a technique against resistance, it's about doing techniques that your opponent doesn't expect, and catching him off guard or off balance.  Kaungren



Lunchtime BJJ in Bellevue. All positional training. I drilled with Christie, who is doing the Revolution this weekend. I blitzed her with information and advice. Suprisingly, I had *no* problem handling her easily in all of the positions today. In fact at one point when I passed her guard yet again and I could tell she was getting exhausted and a little discouraged, I had to say, "You're doing great... I'm a purple belt."  At the end, she thanked me and said, "You helped me *so* much today." That feels great.

Rodrigo was also there (altho not on the mat), and made a point of coming over and giving me a hug even though I was completely sweaty and disgusting. He asked me about the Revolution and I told him I had to work. He said something about having intended to get me a coaching pass- which is both frightening and flattering.

Do the limbo!

The Tueller Drill. You may have heard of the “21 foot rule”. In 1983, Dennis Tueller published an article in SWAT magazine, “How Close Is Too Close?” Dennis experimented and found that a man with a knife could consistently close a distance of seven yards and stab or slash faster than an officer could draw his firearm. This means that within seven yards, a knife is an immediate deadly threat.   –Rory Miller


Thursday lunchtime BJJ in Bellevue.

Chrisanne has her blue belt. I'm really bummed that I missed her promotion, but very happy that she has it. Gordon and Ed both got their browns.

Worked on Chrisanne's upa some more. She is still not getting the hip pop hard enough and fast enough for my approval. She also can't seem to stop herself from trying to trap BOTH arms, which I think is distracting her. Needs more work.

We drilled takedowns (your choice), standing guard passes (your choice) and armbar from side control. Somehow even though my practical sparring skills seem to be lacking, when it comes time to drill I often have even people my own rank actively soliciting my advice. I tried to help Vinay with the hip throw (get lower), the kneeslide pass (thrust hips forward like you're about to do the limbo, it makes it harder for the passee to grab half guard) and armbar (don't let your grip on the arm slack in that moment that you spin around). It seemed to help; his techniques got tighter and I was less able to wiggle around. All my drills felt really tight and technical today.

One roll with Chrisanne and one with Gordon. I tried to keep moving constantly, and was surprised to find myself on top of Gordon much of the time, although I was unable to finish anything.

Chrisanne wants to bail out of next month's Revolution because she got promoted. I tried to talk her out of it. I told her that just after promotion is the best time to compete, because there's no pressure. If you lose, it's not a huge deal. I don't think I'm going to compete again, at least not till I figure out how to work on my defeatism issue. Continuing to compete is not in itself doing anything to combat the problem, I think.

I managed to fall down the stairs the other day, and although I was not seriously hurt (thank goodness I know how to fall and am fairly resistant to breakage), both knees are bruised up and it's more painful than usual to be on them.

Proving Grounds, Telephone Poles, Kittens, and Defeatism

The only reason I haven’t killed you is because it would make a mess.   -xCecilex


Friday evening class: all spars. This was fortunate, because the next morning I was down two pounds and had no worries about making weight. I probably could have had that pizza for breakfast.

(Blue-belt) Lindsey came in right at the ends, and it was so much fun rolling with her. It's been a long time. Unfortunately I was too tired to do more than one roll.

I love, love, love love rolling with Professor Herbert. He lets me work just enough, then all of a sudden I am flipping over to land on the bottom and thinking, "What just happened?" He does things I've never seen before.
--------

Proving Grouds:  I managed to dodge the group photo, although I got reprimanded by both Lamont and Cindy for that. Cindy made a point of instructing me firmly to come and get her when I was about to go on the mat, even though she was reffing. She's like, "Will you COMMIT to that?" with piercing glare, like she thought I was going to try to ditch her. Honestly, the more people who are watching me, the more anxious I feel, so I would just as soon not have anyone there. Furthermore, while I appreciate the support of people who step up to corner me, it drives me crazy when they are exhorting me to do A and I simply CANNOT do A, for some reason. It makes me feel so guilty. I also feel guilty for letting them down when I lose. Especially Cindy. I am feeling guiltier and guiltier lately about failing to come through for Cindy. She's so patient with the little kids, but I have got to be the most frustrating and disappointing failure on her project list.

There were 4 women there (all for no-gi), and they combined us all. As soon as I saw I was going to have to fight Chelsea, my stomach dropped. She dominates me in practice, and she has significant weight on me. I felt intimidated, and defeated before I even stepped on the mat. Sure enough, she had some gnarly head/neck control in standup and then got me down. I knew that once she was on top, it would be over, so I scrambled frantically, but turtle was as far as I got before she slapped on a nice guillotine and that was it.

Number one on the list of "I really need to figure this shit out, now": As we started that scramble, I felt tired and weak as a kitten. It was less than three minutes into the fight. The phenomenon of having all my strength and energy leak away and leave me feeling weak as a kitten has been consistent throughout my comp career. I assumed it was the adrenaline dump- Cindy told me it was nerves- but it seems to me that my mental/emotional state has evened out a lot over the last several comps. After all, that was why I was doing it. I am not aware of feeling very nervous- so why the Kitten Effect? I do not understand why this is happening. Sure, I'm old and I get tired when I roll, but I regularly go for  ninety minutes or more in practice. Why am I gassing out less than 3 minutes into a comp match?

The next girl was tiny- tinier than me. I felt bad for her. I spent most of the match in top side control, trying to get a keylock. I was actually able (for a change) to get my hand around her bird-like wrist and do Cindy's "reverse motorcycle" rollout, but even that was not getting me the tap. Tiny seemed to have flexible joints and the keylock was not happening, but Cindy was kneeling about four inches away from my face admonishing me firmly every time I thought about letting go of it and trying for something else, so I just kept trying. Left to my own devices, at some point I will decide that the keylock just isn't happening, so I will abandon it. Cindy of course can **MAKE** that keylock happen, to **ANYONE**, so I can see why that would not compute with her. I did use my weight a little to hold Tiny down near the end when I started getting really frustrated.  I feel bad about that. She was game, but completely outsized. I know how that feels. I wish I had had a chance to say something to her before she left.  She got my usual spot as 4th in a four-person bracket.

My third opponent had legs like an extention ladder. Seriously, I don't think I have ever rolled with ANYONE with legs that long, except for Prof. Carlos. I mentioned this to John (who was kind enough to hang around with me and be supportive throughout much of this), and he said, "So what do you usually use to tap Carlos?" "Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha... what did **YOU** use the last few times **YOU** tapped out Carlos, John??? Nope, that was not going to be helpful in my tactical planning.   :P

I noticed that she kept her chin tucked like a boxer. If she had not been so tall, I would have tried to shove her head down and guillotine her- but she was over a head taller than me (even hunching) and I would have needed a stepstool to get that. Cindy told me that she was continually circling to her left and that I should try to single-leg her from the outside. A moment later, (black belt) Lindsey came over to tell me the exact same thing. So that was my tentative plan, but she unexpectedly pulled guard on me. It was like standing there and watching two falling telephone poles descending on either side in slow motion.  It seemed fruitless to attempt to flee- you can't backpedal away fast enough to get out of range of a falling telephone pole- and with most people I tend to be pretty good at squirting over their thigh as they are trying to close guard on me, so that was my next instinct. She was too fast for me, though, and she locked those telephone poles around my waist and then leisurely readjusted them into a body triangle that felt like it was set in concrete. I could feel plainly that there was no freakin' WAY that was coming off, and that struggling against it would only exhaust my energy to no fruitful end. But that too is familiar to me, at which point I simply must wait for them to open their guard and give me a chance to escape while they are transitioning. But she never did. She was obviously waiting for me to be stupid enough to put a hand behind me to try to pry the telephone poles off, but I am not THAT stupid. I knew the moment I laid eyes on her that I could not let her get into position for a triangle or an armbar from guard. So we hand-fought for the entire match, and I tried (upon Cindy's direction) to pass one of her wrists behind her back the way Jalen loves to do, but I never quite got it. If I'd had the gi sleeve, maybe I could have, but her wrist was just a titch too wide for me to get the type of decent grip that I had been able to get on Tiny.

I am never really clear on how brackets work, so I never know what is going on until I am told to get on the mat with this or that person.... I didn't know if I would be fighting Tiny or Lanky again, but I did not. I wish that I could have fought both of the draws again. if I had known I would not be fighting Lanky a second time, I might have gone ahead and taken a chance by reaching back and baiting her into going for the triangle. It would have been better than stalling in closed guard for the entire match. Had I known I would not get a chance to fight Tiny again, I might have just let her up (or maybe not.... it's really hard for me to deliberately do the exact opposite of what Cindy is telling me to do when she is four inches from my face).

I appreciate the comments left on my navel-gazing post.... I haven't responded to them as of yet because I'm still thinking about them. There needs ot be a lot more navel-gazing. I left this comp still wondering if it behooves me or not to continue competing. It seems plain at this point that the Kitten Effect is not nerves, or at least not *JUST* nerves- there is something else going on. Although competing is not important to me in itself, I am very anxious that the Kitten Effect might occur if I find myself in a real-life defensive situation.

Number two on the list of "I really need to figure this shit out, now": Defeatism. Defeatism is a huge, over-arching issue that is certainly affecting my comp performance and indeed could conceivably be 100% responsible for the Kitten Effect as well. And every single other problem in my MA training.

Rory Miller wrote some stuff about "struggling" versus "fighting". When a woman is attacked and she wiggles ineffectually, squeaks, does the chicken-flailing thing where you bat lightly at your assailant with floppy wrists... it is not truly fighting back. She refrains from truly fighting back (IMHO) because she is too brainwashed to break out of the mindset of "I have to do everything I can to avoid ESCALATING this". Rory mentions escalation- and the fear of it- briefly as well, and did not really go into it at length, but I remember that concept really gripping me when I saw it. I wrote part of a blog post about it some three years ago, and meant to go into it some more, but never did (although I never stopped thinking about it).

I grew up in a domestic violence environment in which I was thoroughly brainwashed from infancy to strive to avoid "escalation" at all costs. I feel like I've spent much of my life STRUGGLING to fix this- in my MA training and in pretty much all arenas of life- and have not seemed to make much true progress. I was trained to cower and submit. Any show of defiance- however tiny- was put down immediately and ruthlessly, in such a fashion as to thoroughly extinguish every last feeble spark of will. That type of conditioning- on a long-term basis, starting when you're that young- is very difficult to uproot. Although intellectually I know that the perpetrator was evil and wrong- and that if we were to meet today, I could probably kick his ass- the CONCEPT of that looming, terrifying, all-powerful authority figure that could visit much worse than pain and death upon you at whim... it's always sort of hanging over your shoulder all the time. I see a shadow of this juggernaut in every person and situation that presents (or even presents the possibility of) the slightest conflict of any sort. It is my boss, my teachers, the IRS, the police car parked on the shoulder, the creepy guy in the elevator, the staff member who questions my methods of running the donation table, the new big white belt guy... the competitor in the tournament ring. All are terrifying and so completely unopposable that there is no point in even thinking of resistance. If you even think about it- then will come the beat-down.

Much more insidious and terrible than this- seeing that juggernaut shadow in almost everything and doing that instinctive cower- is the brainwashing that has instilled one's own self-image and self-worth as a thing ranking at the very basement-bottom of the food chain.

Sorry this is such a downer, and I'm not fishing for sympathy or anything here. I really need to delve more into this. If it is not the whole and complete reason for my shitty performance in competition (and on the mat in general), it is certainly a large portion. I am not going to get anywhere unless/until I can do something with it.

Navel-gazing re: attitude

Someone who has agreed to fight you has agreed to serve as part of your test, your struggle for knowledge, your quest to make yourself better. –Sam Sheridan


As I'm sitting around thinking "What I wouldn't do for a piece of pizza- or ten", the inevitable "Why am I doing this?" questions start circling around in my head.

My recent batch of comps, I did specifically because I wanted to learn how to deal with the adrenaline dump. While I won't say that comps no longer make me nervous, They are now making me much less nervous than before. So I'm not sure I'm still making decent progress on that goal.

I do not enjoy competing, my record is phenomenally lousy.... and while I do feel that I learn things every time, I find myself once again wondering if it's a worthwhile pursuit.

I was well aware before even starting BJJ that the major limiting factor in my martial arts progress is my own defeatist mindset. I don't really know how to fix this. Continuing to train, and continuing to compete, thinking that at some point all the work is going to result in enough increased skill to make me feel more competant... it's not working.

I have made something of an effort in the last two years or so to be slightly less negative in my training blog- to mention more positives, and cut myself down less often. But it's not enough. To truly tackle this hurdle, it's going to take something else (probably multiple something else's). I don't know what. All I know is that it wouldn't be easy, and I feel exhausted just contemplating the question.

Yet if I am truly serious about my training, and not just going through the motions, I can't ignore this forever. It's the elephant in the room, and it's looming larger and larger. It's not just going to go away, ad I'm going to be stuck behind it as long as I fail to deal with it.

I'm having a sense that picking up Kung Fu again might be part of the key. I have really dropped the ball on this. It's hard for me to continue training without a teacher. Also, just the thought of Kung Fu is wrapped up with so much emotional trauma that I'm terrified that working forms again- tearing that scab off, so to speak- will result in being pulled further into the Black Hole of nightmares and depression. It's the same fear that working on art is igniting- only more direct; closer to the belly of the Beast. Just the thought of doing forms makes my stomach roll over queasily.

While there is certainly a spiritual component in BJJ- and that's mostly about what you put into it- so far I haven't gotten it to trip my spiritual triggers in the way that Kung Fu did.

I do not know how to proceed. But "ignore" is becoming more and more unworkable.

Improved Friskiness

Remembering who I am is the only thing I really need, but it is a never-ending task, because forgetting is very easy and equally easy is not realizing I have forgotten. Maybe our ideas, words and opinions remain the same, but inside a light fades. We are still who we are, but just a little less intense, less passionate, less alive, less of the person we can be. When this happens, what we need is to go through an experience that turns the switch back on. -Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path



Kelly choked an opponent unconscious at the Revolution today. She was dismayed, but I was so proud.

As for me...

I think I already mentioned that once again there was no gi bracket available for me, and that I was operating with an elbow injury.

I seem to be making quite a habit of the following: I arrive at a comp and find that I am in a bracket of three, and I think, "cool." At least I will medal. Not that I want the piece of tin on a ribbon that much, but at these comps with "team trophies" it's nice to be able to contribute to my team. Also, let's face it, nobody likes to place fourth in a bracket of four. Well, then what seems to always happen is that somebody gets bumped- and now we're a bracket of four. In this case, the bumpee was.... Julie Dzellem. You probably don't recall that she was the girl who triangled me in my very first tournament four years ago.

Shortly thereafter, she vanished from the scene. I discovered today that she had gotten a couple of really bad injuries and had a bunch of surgeries. Now she is back, and training MMA in a serious way. She's still competing in the gi, but not training in the gi. Lord, her wrestling takedowns have gotten incredible. Griff's eyebrows shot right up past his hairline when she picked this chick up around the thighs, turned her sideways and dumped her to the mat (short of a slam, but she made it look both easy and brutal).

(As an aside- this will probably be Julie's last comp at intermediate. Hadley will be going up to advanced soon as well).

I ended up not having to fight Julie. First I fought Kate, whom I have never seen/met/fought before.

My goal for this comp- especially since I have an injured primary-side elbow and was well under 100%- was to basically be friskier. "Move more" as Cindy is always exhorting me.

With this in mind, and also being aware that exhaustion has been a major limiting factor for me in competition, I had a Happy Meal on the way to the Revolution to make sure I'd be well-fueled.

Shannon: "A Happy Meal???? A HAPPY MEAL????"
Kitsune: "You know, they are putting apple slices in them now. Have you seen how small the french fry pack is now?"
Shannon: "No. I don't eat that crap."

As it turned out, Cindy was reffing my mat. Good. Not only will that inspire my goal, but I will get feedback- which then became "have Cindy NOTICE that I'm moving more".

So, Kate: I tried really hard to move more. When she pulled guard, I was already attempting to squirt over her thigh and pass, before we hit the ground. I still found myself getting exhausted- and stuck- a few times, but I tried really hard to dredge up a little more gas and try to get out- even if I had to put myself in danger to do so (remembering Cindy's speech about "stop worrying so much about what might happen in the future, and worry about where you are right now".) Twice, I almost caught an omoplata (in no-gi, no less!).  I was on the bottom more than I wanted, but not the entire time- and it was a less helpless bottom than my usual. When time was called, I didn't know who had won until her hand was raised. That's an improvement on knowing that I was dominated the entire match.

Next: Hadley. Almost immediately. I was still huffing and puffing.

Hadley: "You can ask for more time to recover."
Kitsune: "My teacher is reffing. I'm going to go when she tells me to go."

Being tired- and having Hadley KNOW I was tired, while she had had a decent rest- I think fueled a certain amount of desperation. I flew at her right off the handshake and latched meathooks around her neck. She was visibly taken aback and on the defensive. Unfortunately, I did not follow this up with anything uselful- we just fought for the ties a bit and then tracked around with me hanging on her neck. I realize now that I failed to paste my elbow to her breastbone (yes, Cindy's tried to teach me that many, many times and it still hasn't sunk in yet).

She went for the flying armbar, as she usually does at the beginning, and I was ready to jerk my arm out and knee my way over her thigh. Hey, I'm on TOP!!!! To my surprised delight, I stayed up there for a bit. Long enough to get full points for two front mounts and one KOB. Rack 'em up. I'm usually a poor points player, so this was interesting. I also threatened a paper cutter, armbar, and triangle. Normally I don't do much sub-threatening in comps because I am always on the defense, so this was exciting as well.

I set up a kimura. I wa not in the ideal body position, but I was cranking that sucker pretty far and I was sure I was going to get it. I'm still not sure how the hell she got out.

Again with the tired and stuck, a few times, but again I tried to push through it. In both matches, the chances that I took did not sink me. I know I play too conservatively. Playing it less safe went well for me this time. I should do that more.

She was kneeling on my braid at one point, and I was totally pinned. I had to let go of her and use one hand to work my braid out from under her leg before I could move my head again. It really is time to cut off my hair.

After we fought for what seemed like a really long time, she got me with an armbar. She put in on pretty hard and fast, but I could feel her pull it- for which I thanked her sincerely afterward. It was my non-injured elbow. It would have sucked to have both of them on the fritz.

Hadley's take: as we were standing up and shaking hands, she gasped out, "You've improved a lot!" She also said that my match with Kate had seemed like a very even contest. Unfortunately, she has also recognized that I know her game too well at this point. "I'll have to come up with some new tricks!"

So: I came in 4th out of four, which is always a bummer, but I accomplished my "improvement goal" for this comp, which was to be more active. I competed with an injured elbow- and while I was favoring it, it didn't hinder me as much as I'd worried it might. I delved into a different type of game than the one I habitually play, and the results are interesting. I spent less time composting on the bottom. I took more risks. I threatened more subs. It would have been helpful to have had more matches so that I could have better judged how my energy level was holding up. The exhaustion, of course, gets exponentially worse as you continue to fight.

Elbow

 

The Process Predator requires time and privacy for what he intends to do. One of the reasons that home invasion crimes are so brutal is because our homes are set up to be secure and offer privacy. If the Process Predator does not come to the victim, he will try to move the victim to another place with more privacy and security. This is called a secondary crime scene. It is very, very bad. There is no good outcome from a violent criminal wanting to spend private time with you. The fact that he is attempting to move you to a secondary crime scene or has invaded your home is a solid indicator that you are probably dealing with a Process Predator. If you do not end the situation, it can and probably will escalate to rape, torture and murder. Any risk to escape is worth the price. Get out of there. –Rory Miller

 

 

I’m not dead, I just haven’t been training because I have an elbow injury that I was hoping would get better before the tournament. Unfortunately, it appears to be acting like some sort of ligament issue. It hurts mostly while performing certain motions (clockwise twist, pinching finger/thumb, mostly), and it’s been almost forever (ie, more than two weeks) with little if any improvement. It encompasses both pain and involuntary loss of function (ie, I am physically unable to  simply ignore it and keep doing whatever I want to do). It even hurts to squeeze the little plastic bottle to administer my cats’ prescription eyedrops, and to shake little bottles of chemicals to mix them up at work . Of course it’s my dominant arm/hand. I’ve decided to not scratch. I’m going to consider competing with this injury to be a Learning Experience. After all, if someone attacked me right now, I’d have to fight him off with this injury, right? How would I do? How would I compensate? Would I be able to elicit a Plan B, or would I get stuck in a helpless loop of  trying and failing at Plan A?

My gi bracket has already been cancelled. Again. No purple belts, again. I’m supposed to have 2 competitors in intermediate no-gi.

 

Today I was in a tournament bracket with Cindy Hales. Place your wagers.

The moment in which you know the real measure of your power, you don’t have to put on a show to prove your worth. -Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path



Friday lunchtime BJJ in Kirkland.

Got to drill with Bree and Izzy- always great to work with them. Bree was in a foul mood ("people and their drama"), so  I made a point of baiting her and teasing her and helping her work off some aggression.

Flow drills from the top: Side control, scarf, N/S. A little positional sparring; one person flowing on top and the other resisting enough to make hir work.
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Proving Grounds III.

Their scale was a full six pounds light. I only wish I weighed what their scale said I weighed. I could have gone for the cheesy garlic bread potato chips after all.  I was relieved to see that my opponent was only 3lb lighter than me.

I fought her 3 times in gi. She is a professional MMA fighter. She was very very good. We ran out the time in the first two matches. She took me down both times and I spent the rest of the time in bottom half guard. Somehow I ended up with an arm above my head, and she was very patient with her tightening up and waiting. She was right on the side-neck nerve, and it hurt so bad. I was within a titch of tapping twice. After the 2nd fight, I thought we were done, and I told her that she had almost had me those two times. Then of course on the third match, she got the same thing and held it a little longer, and I had to tap. Note to self: next time, make sure all your matches are done BEFORE giving helpful feedback to your opponent.

Got to watch Chelsea fight four matches against another tough girl, and she finally took first.

I asked Chelsea's opponent if she was doing no-gi, and she said yes. So I was figuring me and her in intermediate, MMA girl and Cindy in advanced. Well, the next thing I knew they were calling me up to the mat with MMA girl. I don't know what happened to Chelsea's opponent- maybe Chelsea took all the Mickey out of her and she decided to scratch. Well, that left me pushed into the advanced bracket, where I *SO* do not belong. I just about wet myself when I realized that this meant I would be COMPETING AGAINST CINDY HALES.

As Griff and Cindy and I were sitting there in the bullpen, I turned to Griff and smirked, "So, are you going to corner me against Cindy?" Poor guy looked from me to Cindy and back again and sweated and gulped. Just then one of the other refs walked up and asked Griff to relieve him. Griff scurried away. *HE* was the one who was relieved. That was funny.

So MMA girl and I fought to another draw, then Cindy wristlocked her, then Cindy did a little exhibition on me and let go of about six subs before finally tapping me. Full-on, flying, cartwheeling circus- the entire crowd in the building stopped whatever they were doing and gathered around to ooh and ahh. It could have ben humiliating, but I didn't really mind- I was honored just to be on the mat with Cindy.

Then MMA girl for the 5th time, and she wristlocked me for the win. They had told me that I could end tied for second place with her, and it was our choice whether we wanted to fight again for placement or not. We both wanted the learning experience of an extra match more than we wanted a red ribbon, so we chose to fight again. 

Two main things to learn: Number one, I repeated some of the same mistakes many times with her. I think she took me down with the same takedown at least four times. I was in bottom half guard constantly. Cindy reamed me for that on the sidelines, and I could hear her yelling fruitlessly for me to get on my hip while I was fighting... I knew what I was supposed to do, but MMA girl was very good with her downward-sinking weight and left ZERO room- she pinned me very well and I just couldn't do anything. I got tired quickly, too. I think this was the greatest total time I spent on the mat in a tournament, and your energy saps much more quickly here than in class.  Also- I let her get my arm up above my head repeatedly. I will ask my training partners to try to do that to me for a while so that I can work on defending it.

Number two: the limiting factor- aside from the generalized exhaustion- once again turned out to be failing grip strength. Cindy dismissed this when I told her, and insisted that my problem is getting trapped under bottom half guard and that I shouldn't be gripping that much anyway. Point. It still concerns me that my forearms and hands seem to be getting numb and weak and painful after the first few fights. Not only does my weakened grip disadvantage me from that point on, it is a big psychological factor. I don't like going into a match feeling like I couldn't hold onto an apple. I will need to dig out my little squeezy-toys and the shot bag, and work on this.

I did observe- and Griff told me this as well- that my game plan in the gi fights was not working against his girl and I needed to do something different (especially as these MMA people tend to be better in no-gi). I did make a point of being more active and squirmier in the no-gi matches (even though I was hella tired), took more chances, and I think it made for better matches (certainly more exciting for the audience than five or six minutes of her lying on me and us straining back and forth microscopically).

Nerves: mostly okay. Felt a little acid indigestion and some "I hate doing this.... Why am I doing this?" on my way to the venue. The speedy pace of this comp helps- you get called up and then you're fighting before you have time to ferment in the bullpen and stand around on the mat and get nervous. I also tend to relax quite a bit once I find out that my opponent is not an aggressive neanderthal.   

MMA girl later came over and apologized because she worried that she had slammed the wristlock. I assured her that it had been fast, but felt controlled, and I tapped quick (a broken wrist is high on my list of don't-wants), and all was cool. She was really nice. She also thanked me repeatedly for agreeing to fight her in gi so that she could get more matches, after driving up all the way from Oregon. 

I'm disappointed that I didn't get to fight Chelsea's opponent in no-gi- she looked like a tough girl. I also missed fighting Hadley and Amy. But it was a learning experience to have those five good fights with the MMA girl. It was no shame to lose to her or to Cindy. I feel like I earned my medals, even though I came in last in both brackets. I later found out that MMA girl has fought Miriam Cardosa professionally- and won! I was way overmatched in talent today, but it's heady just to have existed in that bracket.

I had promised myself a bag of those cheesy garlic flavored bread potato chips on the way home from the comp, but the Woodinville Safeway did not have them!!! Housemate says that they were a limited edition, and I may not be able to get any at this point. Damn. The universe owes me a bag of Cheesy garlic bread flavored potato chips.

Proving Grounds II

Physical force is one of the most effective ways to get what you want. “Violence never solved anything” is not just a myth, but one of those statements of breathtaking absurdity. Violence has solved most of the problems that people have had until the modern era (it’s pretty much the only thing you can do about eating and not being eaten). Weapons make violence easier and safer.  –Rory Miller



We had a five-woman bracket in no-gi. That was awesome. I had to fight all four of them. All tough ladies who fought good hard fights. I was so tired.

The first two, I didn't know. I had weight on them- which I used- and experience on them. I felt reasonably in control most of the time. Both were very flexible and squirmy, though. They made me work for it. I got the first one with a papercutter and the second one with an RNC.

Amy was next, and I knew she'd be harder. We ended the first match (which is timed) with no subs. I was on top most of the time.

Now Hadley, when I was really tired. She got me with an armbar.

I got a nice hip throw on one of them, I think it was Amy. Excited about that.

I thought they were going to have me fight Amy again, but they didn't. I came in second.

Notes: I have ethereal control, yet I don't think I have really found a way to use it in BJJ. There were two points today where I got in position for an RNC in such a way that my arm around the shoulders felt just like a key sliding into a lock. I then failed to finish it promptly, because for some reason I have a pattern of doing everything very slowly and deliberately... which gives the foe time to escape. Now, many people slam subs on too hard, and I'm usully advising people to slow down and be careful. But this is where I should be exploiting my control. I should be slamming faster and harder. I know I have the skill to do it without injuring people. I'm not sure what the mental block is.... I'm beginning to suspect that I'm trying to set a good example because I don't want them to start slamming things on *ME*. It's hard enough to get some people to chill out and quit slamming things without having to try to explain to them why I am doing it and yet they should not. In comp, though, I should let myself employ that advantage.
 
Since my hands are always freezing, I wear cotton fingerless elbow length gloves everywhere, indoors and out. Today  figured it would be plenty toasty in the gym, so I left them at home. Of course my hands and feet were blocks of ice, while my armpits were like faucets. I kept sticking my hands in my armpits to try to warm them up, because I was worried about my grips. Next time, bring gloves **AND** warm fuzzy socks.

The toe, to my relief, did not seem to be a factor. (Thank Gods, now I can go back to class after this work rotation.)

Not sure how to improve the exhaustion factor. I ate an enormous scrambled egg breakfast and was well hydrated. I'm glad that I didn't try to do gi today as well (although Hadley was bummed). I think there's still a significant adrenaline dump effect going on. My nerves were perhaps a bit better than the last Rev and PG. Still there, but not with the dramatic draining weakness. 


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Hey!! I won a free Revolution registration at the Grapplethon! (I think the worth of that actually leaves me in the black.)

My assistant wanted to know why I was a little late on Saturday morning, and when I told her, she gave me ten dollars to donate.

The take from the Grapplethon has hit TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Holy cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have decided to get a Dauntless Flame tattoo. I made some temporary tat stickers to get the size and location (left side, far enough to not interfere with the existing kanji) right, but still waffling on color/outlining. I'd like it to have red/orange/yellow, but I think it's going to require some back outlining.  I'm going to get Fire tattooed on me on the winter solstice, which I find subversive and amusing.   ;)

*$%#!*&^%!!!!

Fuck!!! I'm on the bench.

I have a tournament in eleven days!   :(

"You're Kanye"

Amateurs ask, “Could I take him?” Professionals ask, “How would I take him?” Campfire Tales From Hell 


There will be a Northwest Grapplethon at Gracie Barra EdmondsDec 6 and 7, to fundraise for victims of the Philippines storm.  You can sponsor me!     https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/adiC8
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Kelly sent me the vids of my matches. The only thing she missed was my sweet takedown (!) There wasn't much to see. Me on the floor and the other ladies riding me like a hobbyhorse.

I said to Kelly:
"As usual, I need to learn how to get the hell out of bottom half guard. Both of those girls were REALLY strong and had mucho face pressure on the whole time, which was making it really hard to do anything. But I have to start taking risks and trying to scramble near the end, because I have nothing to lose, even if if opens me up to subs. I knew they'd been on top the whole time and were surely up on points.

It's hard to shift from thinking "survival" (ie, don't get subbed) to "competition" (ie, pay attention to points).  I feel like I've accomplished something if I avoid the sub, but that's not really where my full focus should be in this situation."
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Sunday BJJ in Seattle.  There were two guys who weighed in at around 180/185. The rest were all well over 200. And then there was me. Peter apologized to me. I told him that he needs to recruit some smaller guys for his Sunday class. But it's okay. I don't mind working with the big guys as long as they're not going to put me in the hospital- and they were all colored belts, so I figured they'd be fine.

Kitsune: "I just have to sublimate my ego and realize that I'm not going to be doing a lot of winning today, that's all."
Peter: "And you have such a big ego, Kitsune. You're like Kanye."

Peter likes to run this class as KOTH from multiple positions, so that's what we did.

Cindy came in about halfway through. After class, she and I did about 15 straight minutes of no-gi takedowns. She wants me to COMMIT to the livestock takedown. She wants me to drive my headlocking armpit down like I'm spiking a football, and kick that foot out really hard and wide.  I'm still having hesitancies. I still feel like it's not going to work, and the failure will leave me with my back to my foe and my arm twisted behind me (which would suck mightily).  If it does work, I'm completely paranoid that I'm going to break my opponent's neck. (Cindy: "They teach this takedown to three-year-olds! This isn't mean!!")
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On top of sleeping poorly at the best of times, I normally have nightmares when I'm too stressed out (usually work-related). Since Autumn '11, I have had runs of nightmares from August through November. Had a dilly the night before the comp, and I thought it was comp nerves... nope, they are still coming. There's no place to run when one's own brain is acting as your enemy.  "Whatever you do.... DON'T...FALL....ASLEEP!!!"
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Holy crap. If you see a guy named Kevin Thompson running around, don't piss him off. He won the Revolution prize for "vicious submission" in gi (15 seconds) **AND** in no-gi (5 seconds)!!!!

"Oh my God- *HER*!!"

I believe in the primacy of infighting.
–Rory Miller



So, I did not medal today. But other good things of note happened.

Lindsay lost one and won one, and ended up with 3rd. Shannon lost one and did not do another. Carlos won his bracket. Suranjan won several fights that I saw (both gi and no-gi... I think he's the only one of my regular training partners who entered no-gi, other than Tagir, whom I did not see at all today- wonder how he made out...) don't know what the final tallies on Suranjan's brackets were. Saw Angus win one and lose one.  Ben won his bracket (He was up against Ed in the final, and Ed gave him a bye by way of collapsing theatrically on the mat and covering his head with both hands... to much hilarity and teasing in the GB sector of the bleachers).  More results when the list comes out.

I wanted to be there for Shannon's and Lindsay's fights, but it was nervewracking to be there for 6 hours before I even weighed in. In the past, when I have done both gi and no-gi at this event, there's a release of pressure after the gi portion. Either you won- and you think, "Okay, if I bomb now, at least I did well in this half"... or you lost, and you think, "Okay, I have nothing to lose... bonzai!!!"  Today, though, I got to sit around all day getting more and more nervous.

I did get to warm up Lindsay and Shannon with a little light flow rolling, and give Shannon (who was struggling with nerves) a pep talk... so that was definitely worth being there for.

I was watching Hadley, because I knew she was in my no-gi bracket. Saw her going for guillotines right and left, so made note to be particularly careful of that. There was supposed to be one other woman in our bracket, but neither of us knew her... so I didn't get to scope her out during the gi fights.

Bree and Ross were on staff. It was- as usual- impossible to hear names being called for weights. Even when it was on loudspeaker, you couldn't understand what people were saying. So whenever I saw Bree come out with a clipboard, I went over and offered to herald for her. By God, everybody sure as hell heard, and understood. (smirk). Lamont said, "Damn, I'll have to get you to do that for *my* tournament!"

To my surprise, JB was there as a spectator for gi- so it was nice to hang out with her for a while and bug her some more about coming back to train. She also was kind enough to french braid my hair.

They did not do all the women first in no-gi- as they have done in the past-  so we were waiting around a while. Hadley and I finally found the 3rd competitor in our bracket- Rachel- and the three of us hung out and bonded a bit. It really helps me to be friendly with my opponents. I like to know that they are not ruthless bitches who are not going to try to heelhook me. It helps with my anxiety.

Unfortunately, one of the two advanced-bracket competors scratched- so they busted the other one down into our bracket. Hadley took one look and sucked in a gasp of horror. "Oh my God, **HER**... she's really good." 

Shit.

Nothing against this gal- it wasn't her fault that her opponent scratched, and it's only fair that she get to fight- but of course this wasn't ideal for the three of us. It meant that not only were we outclassed, it meant that somebody was not going to place. Since we three intermediates had already sort of bonded, we closed ranks and Hadley briefed us on what she knew about the advanced woman's game ("She's REALLY strong.")

I had to fight Jonette (the advanced woman) first. While dismaying, this was a good opportunity for a few reasons. My entire point of doing these comps is to deal with the adrenaline dumps, the nerves, and the mental hurdles involved. While it's great to be friendly with your opponents, dealing with an intimidating unfamilar fighter is probably more of what I *need* for my goals.

I don't remember many details from our fight. Kelly got some of my matches on tape, so hopefully I will see those later and be able to dissect myself more. She was hella strong, fast, explosive. Although I was nervous, and I began to tire halfway through the match, I did **NOT** experience the crippling drain of energy that I have habitually felt starting in the bullpen and culminating in me feeling weak as a kitten after the first 20 seconds of my match. I felt calmer. I was breathing much deeper and more slowly. I did not panic or quail when Jonette lunged repeatedly at me in a very aggressive manner.  It wasn't perfect, mind you- but this is really what I'm working on, and it went much better today.

It was very much a battle of strength on strength. She was on top most of the time, with excellent pressure on my face, and I was forced to muscle in order to stave off the subs. But stave them I did, and I was able to match her muscle for muscle (not bad for Gramma). I managed to dredge up some energy from somewhere and use it to get out of her front mount and replace guard near the end, but it was too late. She won on points. It was a good fight. She fought nice and clean, and I thanked and congratulated her sincerely at the end.

Hadley and Rachel fought, and Hadley won. I did not get to fight Hadley today, which was disappointing (especially as she was the only one that I'd fought before and had any intel on). Lucky Duckie Rachel got out of having to face down Jonette. I think it would have been good for us to get to fight everyone in the bracket... but so it goes.

Rachel and I. I got an opening to set up Cindy's livestock takedown, and- although I felt a little bad about it- I took it. I may not have been fully committed- but the balance just wasn't right to complete it- I turned it into a hip throw. To my extreme ecstasy, that worked. I'm really happy that I got that takedown. Less happy with the landing. I was in control, but I had her headlocked and I couldn't seem to find a way to transition to something more useful (note to ask somebody for help with this next week). I held her down for a while, but I couldn't just sit there all day, so I clumsily tried for a mount, and the next thing I know she was on top. To my dismayed surprise, she turned out to be extremely strong as well. Again with the excellent face pressure. Finding myself in a second muscle-on-muscle battle, I again staved off the subs but didn't have any gas left to get out from under. Again I made a break for replacing guard at the end, but too late. A second loss on points.

Hadley and Jonette. Rachel and I were both squatting in the bullpen cornering Hadley (who was also being cornered by at least two other people from different directions). I had advised Hadley to not go strength-on-strength with Jonette, who was obviously more compact and muscular than long-limbed Hadley. But Jonette sucked Hadley into her muscley game, despite Rachel and I yelling advice to the contrary. They strained together for most of the match, and then at the end Hadley started scrambling and taking some risks. She set up a couple of subs in quick succession that came within a hair of succeeding- but Jonette toughed them out, and won on points.

I felt a little bad about the three of us ganging up on her like that, and made a point of sincerely congratulating and thanking her again after the bracket was done. But obviously she did not need our help- she went through us like a scythe through wheat.

It will be interesting to do some more sub-only comps and see how these strength-on-strength battles play out with no time limits. Both of my opponents were working very hard- and of course I was too- but since I was able to stay calm, breathe well, and focus on conserving energy, I wonder if I could have eventually tired them out and then turned things around. Of course that is exactly how we fun-size colored belts deal with strong white belts.

I gave Ross a ride home (for which he bribed me with strawberries and reset the clock on my dashboard), then I had a white cheddar baked mac-and-cheese, garlic bread (with cheese) and cookie (without cheese) orgy.

As usual, I was so paranoid about making weight that I ended up weighing in at the top of the bracket beneath me. This means that my opponents are usually at the top of our *own* bracket and thus have a distinct weight advantage. The ladies in the 129-and-under bracket (yep, I weighed 128) looked so incredibly tiny, with biceps NOTHING like the guns on Jonetta. Their wrists are probably slimmer, too- I might actually be able to get a good grip around a wrist, which would be a huge help in no-gi. I really should shave off those last 3 or 4 lb and commit to planting myself in that bracket.

Comp breakdown

After the Revolution, I ate nothing but pizza and cupcakes for the next 24 hours.  -Side Control




So there was a full bracket of small white belt women, Plus a three-stripe blue belt and me. I wondered if they were going to refund me or give me a "Highlander Medal" (Thanks Julia), but they put the blue and me together. She was less than half my age and a titch heavier, so it actually seemed to be a pretty fair match, considering all. (In fact she almost got DQ'ed for no-gi... she was supposed to be under 136, and she was *AT* 136 even though their scale seemed to be weighing about 1.5 lb light. If the bracket hadn't been sparse, they probably would have cut her.)

We chatted a little beforehand- which always helps my nerves; sometimes some of the girls are scary and intimidating and you don't know what to expect from them. We both admitted that we weren't into leglocks and wacky stuff, and I think we reassured one another that we weren't going to try to rip one another's heads off.

We fought a 7-min timed match with no subs- this was called a tie. I figured out that she likes to play guard and go for armbars from guard. Then they put us in the elevated ring and we fought again, no time limits. OMFG! That was so weird. I could hear the announcer yelling on the loudspeaker to the entire building, to come watch The Experienced Women In the Ring show us What This Is All About, no time limits, sub only!!!! Good Lord.

It felt like we fought for hours. I know it was at least 8 min, because her coach's phone video timed out at 7 mins. I tried twice to tomoe nage her- was able to transport her to the opposite side of the ring, but not get her belly-up- each ended in a scramble. Eventually she got me in her closed guard, after a bit I managed to pass to side control, and that's where we spent the remainder of the match.

She made several valiant attempts to remove me, including a few that nearly worked. I tried keylocks, chokes and armbars from the side, and was getting nuttin'. I must have tried eight keylocks. I finally had a keylock on real nice, she was well pinned, and Cindy was talking me through adjusting it- but I pulled it to the extreme and she wasn't tapping- so I finally decided that she (like Sonia) just had hyperflexible shoulder and could not be keylocked. Gonna have to choke this chick. At this point I was getting kind of frustrated, and it seemed like a good idea to try front mount (even though I could hear Cindy and Casey yelling at me to not mount- and I should have listened, because I can't hold front mount and my subs from there are worse than my subs from side control). As soon as I moved to front mount, I heard her coach say calmly, "Okay Hadley, you know what to do from here." Sheet, I don't like the sound of that. I immediately moved back to side control.  ;)   

By that time, my forearms (esp the right) felt like overcooked spaghetti from hauling on all those keylocks, I could barely grip, and I was so exhausted. The only thing that kept me going was that she was puffing and panting and I could tell she was exhausted too. If she'd controlled her breathing, I may have dispaired. (I told her this after the comp- told her to work on that for next time.). I tried to set up a few different chokes and was having trouble gripping hard enough. Finally I grabbed a handful of her opposite lapel, palm up, and started inching my body N/S over her head. I feel like that's kind of a douchebaggy choke, and I don't like to do them, but I was desperate and I knew I couldn't keep going much longer. She tapped, and I exclaimed in relief, "Holy ______!" (I need to remember to not do that at the Revolution; I'd probably get DQ'ed.)

We got some time before no-gi, but my ams (and the rest of me) were in no way recovered. I had shot my wad in that fight. Not that I"m making excuses for what happened next- I was outclassed- but yeah, I was tired and I still couldn't grip very well.

I fought the same girl again, and she got me in closed guard again, and then somehow she squirreled out at light speed and got my back and choked me from behind. It was embarrassingly quick. She seemed stunned. I was embarrassed. Oh well. She was a worthy opponent. I would have liked to give her a little more of a challenge there. My no-gi sucks so badly!

Then I fought a different woman. She was terrified of me, I could tell- and I felt kind of bad about that. She jumped guard, and I lowered her carefully to the mat. Then I was stuck in her closed guard for the entire 7 min timed match. I have trouble getting out of closed guard- I usually wait for the opponent to attack, and then I try to pass. She just wanted to keep me there; kept yanking me down on her chest. The only thing worse than this is this in no-gi... no grips. It took me the entire time to finally get enough space to start to work a knee up between us, and then the sock was thrown in.

Just a couple minutes, then we went again. Ref said, "No time limit- I got nowhere to be." I did not want to be in her closed guard again, so I was planning to try to make her fight me standup for a while and tire her out- but the next thing I knew, she was slapping on a guillotine. I'm still not sure how it happened, and I'm disgusted, because that's one of *my* favorites. She jumped guard and again I knelt slowly to deposit her on the mat. Then I started to work getting the guillotine off, but it was on there good and proper, and she started pulling. I maybe could have fought a little harder, but ya know- I'm 42, and when some young warrior starts hauling on my neck, good sense whispers in my ear, "Just tap, grandma." So I did. Again both opponent and ref were stunned that it was over so quickly. Sorry everybody. I sucked epically in no-gi today. These ladies were good, though- I'm embarassed that I didn't give a better fight in no-gi, but there's no shame in losing to those ladies- they won fair and classy. (I'm glad Cindy missed seeing this, though.... Casey saw it... hope there's no video!)

I like to think I would have made a better showing if I wasn't so wiped out from the epic ring fight, but who knows. I also might have made a batter showing if I'd actually *done* any no-gi lately. I think I've done about 3 no-gi classes in the last six months. It felt weird to be fighting in those clothes.

As far as my goal to work on the affects of the adrenaline dump: It didn't seem to hit me as bad this time. Part of it, I'm pretty sure, was the environment- it was a smaller building, smaller crowd... having a jillion people watching (including multiple of my teachers) definitely worsens my nerves. Carlos and Rodrigo were both MIA.... less pressure having fewer of my many teachers watching. Also, the pace. The Revolution is pretty well-run as far as BJJ comps go, but the fewer people here made for an even brisker clip. There were only seconds between being told we were on deck (when my biochemical reaction kicks in) and the engagement. There wasn't much time to freak out. Oh, it was still there- but smaller. I even felt like I'd kind of had some fun in those first two fights. I have never felt *that* before in a comp. I felt fairly calm and collected during most of the long gi fight- I even remember chuckling aloud a little at something one of the coaches said (can't recall what). It will be interesting to see if I am calmer at November's Revolution as well, or if the environment just ramps me up again.  I will probably fight Hadley again in no-gi at that comp- don't know about the other one.

It turned out to be a definite problem to do both gi and no-gi in such a small event. The Revolution usually has you waiting at least a couple hours between gi and no-gi. When you're a colored-belt female competitor, though, with the often-shallow brackets involved in that, it is impossible to plan. It would suck to decide to do just one and not the other, if it turned out that you would have had several good fights in the one you dropped, and you end up finishing in 30 seconds in the one you kept.

I can't even imagine being a white or blue belt guy in one of the populous brackets, and doing 8+ fights in both gi and no-gi. Lord.

I saw one guy dislocate his shoulder and another take a leg injury- not sure if that one was a break, but he was writhing around on the floor like it was worse than just a cramp or pull.

Also saw Will demolish all the competition and win 1st. That was cool.

On the way home from the comp, I bought a half-pound bag of peanut M&M's and one of those 880-cal Jack In the Box small chocolate shakes. I also decided to drink as much non-diet Dr Pepper as I want for the rest of the day. My body is going "Whaaaaaa-?" at the influx of sugar after being on a diet composed largely of eggs and poultry for a good while.