Broken toes and gender roles

If your nose is held to the grindstone rough
And you hold it down there long enough
Soon you’ll say there’s no such thing
As brooks that babble and birds that sing.
Three things will all your world compose-
Just you, the grindstone, and your darned old nose.
-Julia Cameron


Thursday BJJ in Kirkland. Several basic guard passes, all of which I have done enough at this point to be able to focus on detail, speed and the Stupid Side.

Several spars, all of which I took the rough side of (with the exception of a new white belt woman)

Friday BJJ in Bellevue. Several guard passes, including a couple of the ones from yesterday.

One spar, in which I let a new white belt woman work upas on me, and ended up breaking my big
right toe. She felt *really* bad, even though I assured her it wasn't anything she did (and it wasn't; it was just one of those things). After I rolled around whimpering for a few minutes, I got back up and said, "Let's go again," Partly to reassure both myself and her that this too would pass; and partly because I knew from experience how this would go. I would be able to do a little more (painful) sparring, before the injury swelled/stiffened/became more mechanically debilitating. This is useful triaging skill. I know that if I am on the path to Mordor and I break a toe, I should just press on those last fifteen miles instead of saying, "Let's make camp and let it rest up a bit, and continue in the morning,"  In this case, it's more of "Okay, I'm going to be on the bench for a while, so  I better get one or two more rolls in first,"  White belt looked at me very doubtfully (probably because I was kneeling with my right foot held up off the mat), but it was fine. Then I had to try to walk to the locker room and then out to the car without looking like I was limping too badly, because I didn't want her to feel worse than she already did.

PSG- despite arranging for walking buddies ahead of time, *no* exercise happened outside of required work and two concerts with Eric (one of which I only lasted through half of). It was over 100 degrees every day, and the nights did not cool off much. I just do not do very well in those conditions. I spent way too much time parked on my arse at Herald Camp, hugging frozen gel neck wraps. Unfortunately, when you are at Herald Camp, you get fed (too much). We also happened to land right beside the Happy Hippies Food Truck. All in all, it was not a good setup for fitness and self improvement. The tuna packets worked out well, though. I have found a new appreciation for tuna and the things you can mix it up with. I will be incorporating more of this healthy item into my routine diet.

I did get those two concerts (Extreme Contact Improv For Martial Artists), which is one more than we usually get, so that was good. I did not get any face time with the guy who has been circling me for the last four years in a row with rather impressive doggedness.... which is just as well, as I have still not decided what to do about him.

The U-haul trailer as camper worked very well. Of course, having gone to all that expense and hassle, this was the second year out of twenty-something that resulted in *NO* rain, so I didn't get to see how it performed. There was a notice on the inside warning that the trailer is "rain-resistant" and not "rain-proof"- bummer- but I still think that with the addition of a tarp on top, it should do better than a tent. I shall try this again next year. The 5x8 was the perfect size (I had asked for a smaller one, which they didn't have). Next time I would like to try clothespinning some foil thermal blankets on top of my shade shelter. As it was, my camp was unbearable during the day. I was relieved to see that the trailer did not RETAIN heat- it wasn't any hotter in there than it was anywhere else, with the exception of a layer of superheated air right at the top that would bake your brain if you stood upright. Sitting down- or lying on the metal floor- was not any hotter than anywhere else. Going to have to sacrifice some privacy for some trees next year, though. This site is like Wisteria in that there are precious few trees placed where you can put your camp- and I am limited in where I am allowed to park a trailer- but I'm going to have to try to get some shade next year so that I don't die.

Ticks- my first shower resulted in removal of fourteen ticks. After that, I checked every few hours. I removed dozens. I also spent a great deal of time picking ticks out of other people's hair and ass cracks. I actually went to the med tent (which I never do!) several times to get my itchy tick bites re-sprayed, re-bandaided, and also my poison ivy re-creamed. The Hunt space in particular was lousy with both ticks and poison ivy. I knew there was no help for it; I was just resigned to bathing in both, and so I did. I actually went to the doctor when I got home, though (again! I never do this!). That was just a hell of a lot of tick bites, and I was skeeved about it. She found one last hitch hiker hiding in my back tat. It was too late to get shots. I just have to watch for symptoms.

The new Hunt space is actually outside the camp gate- which did not thrill me, but Dru was even less happy. I've never been that stuck on the physical space as a strong factor in how the Hunt's going to go, but it is definitely a minus in my eyes to be far enough away that the community can't hear the Hunt. Other than that, no problem. I left Finn out there till the bitter end, and I would have left him out there another forty minutes if I could have. I also howled and barked in the woods to try to get the Hunters vocalizing.... it seems like once someone starts, the others feel freer to do it as well.

Michael (who did very well as Dru's drum backup this year) brought up a point that I'm paying attention to, because I respect him. He said that it's important for the community- especially the young women of the community- to see me as a role model in this venue. Honestly I had not looked at it that way, as my perspective was that Bo needed a backup to help with the work as well as to be able to step in and lead if he became unable. I'm perfectly content being a lieutenant. I don't enjoy standing up in meetings and making announcements. What usually happens is that the Hunt coordinating team stands up there with Bo and he does the talking. I feel uncomfortable standing up there unless I have something pertinent to say (and sometimes I do.... if Dru's not at the meeting, I make any needed announcements for the drum aspect of things). But usually I just stay in the crowd and Bo makes a point of waving at me at the beginning of the week and announcing that I'm part of the team. But Michael's opinion- along with the fact that more than one person mentioned in the post mortem that they had noticed that the coordinating team was perfectly gender balanced this year, and how important that was- makes me feel as if I need to purposefully make myself more visible and audible in this role. As a female, specifically. Not very happy about this idea. It seems like egoist posturing, and all I truly care about is making sure the rit runs well. Also, as I become more and more sensitive to society's outdated and restrictive gender-role pigeonholing and how much it annoys me, I become ever more resistant to being defined by my urinary plumbing before being defined as more important things. But hearing that message from multiple people....

When the Hunt began, the coordinating team was very Y-chromosome-heavy. This led to (among other issues) persistant rumors in the community that women were relegated to certain roles in the rit or not present/welcome in the rit at all. Those types of rumors have dispelled over the years but I think there's still a bit of that lurking. Secondly, there's a wealth of "fluffy-bunny-white-light" ritual. There's nothing wrong with FBWL, but that's not all there is.... and it's important that *women* feel like they can move out of the Fluffy Bunny arena should they choose. Also, though it's less of a problem in this community than in others, I do feel that women have still not reclaimed quite enough of their power/equality yet to feel comfortable moving beyond that into a place where it honestly doesn't matter what urinary plumbing the ritual coordinators have. (It makes me sad and frustrated to think that we won't get to this place in my lifetime.) I think I have been trying to occupy that place in my leadership roles without accepting that everyone else is not really ready for that stage yet. Feels like a slide backwards for me personally, but leadership in the Hunt is about serving the community- if they need me to do the "I Am Woman Hear Me Roar" thing, I should at least consider doing that service.

Breaking up is hard to do

You can use a strong wrestler's strength against him, but it is almost impossible to defend against a mental edge. Every time you execute a move, the smarter wrestler will counter, attack and counter. The smarter wrestler,  the wrestler with the better technique, with the better inventory of moves, with the agility and mental toughness to keep coming at you, is the wrestler who will win.-Kyle Maynard


Thursday BJJ at Bellevue: all spars.

Friday I missed. I spent the first half of the day in bed with a headache and extreme exhaustion. I felt somewhat better in the afternoon, but decided to not push my luck with getting repeatedly hurled o the ground and throttled.  This turned out to be a fortunate thing, as my house nearly burned down that evening- and that is an that you don't really want to miss. The animals and I were evacuated and spent 2 days sleeping on Cindy's floor. ("The house is really dirty," she says when I call her to inform her that all five of us are inviting ourselves over for an indefinite length of time. "Cindy, my standards right now are very low. If it's not ON FIRE, it will look great to me.") Luckily the area fire department was on point and they did not let my house burn down. Tense weekend, though.

Thursday- all spars again. I got an armbar on Amy that I was very pleased with- it was from a weird position and I am still not great at sussing those out. Amy beats me now 7 times out of every 8, so it was that much more the sweeter. (Note that I need to remember she is VERY GOOD at grabbing kimuras as I pass her guard. She got me *TWICE* with the same routine.) I managed to mess up my shoulder.... I had a few moments of "I should really tap now, but I DON'T WANNA tap...." Thought I was over that crap, but the ego still rears its ugly head once in a while. And now I pay.

Thought I might have to sit out Friday due to shoulder, but Chrisanne said she'd come in, so I went (feeling safe in her hands).

Standing guard pass to KOB

Standing guard pass to KOB to kimura

Standing guard pass to KOB to armbar

I was happy that I am finally remembering consistantly to grab the pants with that armbar. I am also now able to usually remember to pin the opponent between my shin and knee. Still need to get a bit better about clasping the forearm to my chest (grab my own lapel if need be). Carlos also wants me to clasp the forearm more closely to my chest in the kimura.

A little positional sparring from spider guard- pass vs defend.

So there's where it happened.... I stacked Chrisanne- not much, but apparently too much- and hurt her neck.  I was horrified to have hurt her YET AGAIN, and Carlos walked over and told us we had to stop seeing each other for a while.

I feel terrible. I have always prided myself on my control, and on being able to be careful while working with smaller and less experienced opponents. Right now I am feeling insecure about something that I have always felt was one of my biggest strengths in BJJ.  It is making me feel tentative, and I hate that- I have been fighting "tentative" in myself all along and this is feeding my dragon.

 Chrisanne is difficult because I know she does not want me to go easy on her.... and she's good enough that if I *do* go easy on her, she's just going to dominate me to the point that it's not going to be useful for either of us. I'm pretty sure she would be pissed off at me if I started doing that.

Also- she had had a shitty day. She felt allergy-ill and didn't plan to come in, and then she had some bad crap happen to her and decided to come and and blow off some frustration. I feel really awful that instead of helping her do that, I ended up making her feel worse.

In better news: I have managed to drop 14 of the 15lb that I gained from being on sleeping pills. I am relieved. I didn't like being that weight- it felt like I was wearing a fat suit. going to have to be very careful from now on.

I take out another one.

As we write, each of us has to believe our books are worth a tree. Or worthy of that tree.  -Jane Yolen


Friday evening "women's class" in Bellevue. Rolled with Doug a bit to warm up- always an honor.

Self defense- you on your back, attacker standing at your feet. Use right foot to kick hir left thigh to make hir step back with that foot. Then another kick, higher, followed by a technical life. I can't specify which foot does the second kick, nor which butt cheek you have to be on when you begin the technical lift, nor which sole is planted on the floor for that, because I just could not compute. I had one of those left-vs-right brain spasms... which I can often correct after a few reps via a verbal script of "Right foot kick, left sole floor, hips right, right foot kick..." or whatever. Sometimes it just will not come- and the longer it will not come, the more frustrated I get, and frustration introduces enough white noise into my brain to ensure that I will *NEVER* get it.

I am convinced that I have some kind of bona fide proprioception disability- which fortunately appears to be isolated to a fairly narrow problem area- yet I wish I could tell Carlos (and my former kung fu teacher) that I have a BRAIN TUMOR or something; I really am not this STUPID, truly. But trying to explain proprioception to someone who could barely speak English four years ago is futile when most native English speakers can't define the term. It makes me crazy when he hovers over me and tries to correct my errors while I'm having one of these fugues, but even worse is when he gets frustrated and walks off. Few things make me feel as lowly as feeling that I have disappointed my teachers.

Closed guard pass- stand up and grip pantleg down to shuck the leg- I have done this enough by now that the correct sleeve cuff control and the grip change upon standing feel mostly natural.

A little positional training, hold closed guard vs pass, rotating partners.

My final opponent was a teenager in whose closed guard I stood up and proceeded to do the Move Of The Day. As I pushed her leg down, her face contorted into a rictus of pain. "Are you all right????!!!? Are you all right???!!" She didn't answer, just kept writhing and grimacing. I was freaking out- I hadn't been rough or anything, but after concussing Crisanne last week (yes, I did actually give her a concussion *and* whiplash, she had to go to the doctor!), I immediately assumed that somehow I had broken the girl's knee. And here comes Carlos..... is he going to toss me out of this school for injuring everyone????!?

Finally she started rolling up her pantleg. I waited to see the bloody broken shafts of bone poking through the mangled shin of her knee. And saw.... a big scab. Which apparently I had grabbed when I grabbed her pantleg.

I was relieved, but I also kind of wanted to smack her for 1)not telling me that she had a giant scab on her left knee so that I could avoid it, 2)failing to verbally reassure me quicker that she was not in fact dying, and 3)scaring the shit out of me.

The head: a vulnerable design flaw

  Curious friend: “What is guard, what does that mean?”
Me: “It means I can kick your ass while I’m sitting on mine.”   -Ginger Snaps



Thursday evening no-gi in Bellevue.

Carlos still called us "girls" a couple of times, but I think he was making a conscious effort and trying not to.  ;)

I stupidly tried to put in my contacts in the car with too little light, and ended up losing one. It felt like it was still folded up in there, but I could not find the damn thing. I had to call Amy (she's a nurse when she's not kicking ass in the cage) off the mat to poke around in my eye, but she couldn't find it either. I had to work blind. I still don't know what happened to it. Eye is all swollen up.... hope I won't have to go to the Urgent Care for this. At least I was able to do the class and then drive myself home.

Driving drills- pummelling, shoulder throws, armbars from mount, standing rear naked choke defense to takedown with shoulder lock to KOB. Drilling with Amy, you know you are going to work hard.
The shoulder throw ends with the thrower on both knees... I always want to cheat this because my knees hurt. Really need to get way UNDER opponent, and snug hir armpit right into you hard, then sort of meld into one with hir as you bow to the mat. Then you have to unmeld in time to not go over with hir, but  move to KOB.

Carlos yelled at me for trying to cheerlead a white belt through her last set of armbars. Usually this is a thing he encourages, so I was confused and hurt. Two minutes later, he was sitting in a corner with his shirt pulled over his head. Turns out he had a massive migrane. I'm choosing to believe it was this that caused him to snap at me, and not that he hates me.

Four years ago- or even two years ago- this small event would have sent me into an epic spiral of self-hate and doubt and flagellation..... "Carlos yelled at me... he hates me....I can't face him again..... I suck....did I really do something wrong? It's probably because of that exchange we had last week about "girls" vs "women".... that's why he hates me.... was I out of line with that? I suck..... Was I rude and inappropriate to that white belt? Did I make her feel uncomfortable? Did I look like an ass in front of the whole class? Everybody hates me..... I hate myself..... I suck..... I can never face any of these people again....." Yeah, stupid, I know. And yet. Welcome to the world of anxiety disorders.  I don't know if it's being on meds, or feeling more comfortable with Carlos after five years, or just maturity- but I didn't spiral too badly this time. I spiraled some. But not with the usual severity.  And I made a point of facing him on Friday and asking if his head felt better, instead of slinking away because I was sure he hated me.

Friday women's class: Same shoulder throw we did yesterday; another standing rear naked choke defense ending in a reap instead of the shoulder lock and pulling-to-floor; and the donkey-kick standing guard pass to KOB. I have done this donkey-kick thing enough now to know where my trouble issues are. It really needs to happen in 3 steps, not twenty because I am shuffling my feet around trying to get them in the correct position for the KOB. Getting it down to 3 steps requires beginning with the outside foot planted WAY out, not beside opponent's body, it requires actually USING the push-and-bounceback of the shin on the opponent's thigh instead of just going through the motions, and it requires HOPPING that outside foot in and donkeying the other leg back IN THE SAME MOTION. Once I get really focused, I can do it, but the stupid side is very stupid. The hunching over is also tough on my back.

On the last round of reap drill reps, Chrisanne's breakfall was less than optimal, and she got her chimes rung pretty bad. I felt terrible. I have quit treating her like an egg and usually go about 85% on her, but I may need to backpedal and be a little more gentle. Of course, she tried to get right up and continue, but Carlos and Doug and I told her in no uncertain terms that she needed to just lie there for a minute. They put me with Christy, who is training for Pans, and churning out guard pass reps like a damn machine. I was in awe, and said so. Her throws are also painful. I didn't take any bad falls like Chrisanne did, but drilling two complete throws in one class to the extent that we did was a bit much. Just a lot of constant brain jarring. My head ached all night and still aches this morning. I had to take an ibuprofen, which I almost never do. I pinged Chrisanne to make sure she was alive, and she is. After she had refused my offer of a ride home,  I had quizzed her on concussion symptoms, and made her promise that if she had any, she would ask her son's girlfriend to drive her to the Urgent Care. I know this isn't really my fault (or at least MOSTLY not my fault), but I still feel awful. Chrisanne had a terrible week at work, and I put the cherry on top by almost giving her a concussion. (And not that this is important- weighted beside giving Chrisanne a concussion- but it did cross my mind that this incident is not going to do anything good for Carlos' apparent view of me as a reckless, dangerous Godzilla on the mat.)

My head ached too much to consider the all-levels class that came after this one- even if I'd had the energy, which I don't think I did.

The line

The short answer to handling active shooters is shoot back.  –Marc MacYoung


Friday evening BJJ in Bellevue. Same techniques we did Thursday, along with a variation on the sweep where the opponent stands up in your guard. This one involved using a butt-bump to break down one leg, and I struggled with it.

One roll with Doug and one with Cindy. Holy cow! Where else do you get to finish your class with super-fun rolls with two black belts- one who shows you old-man tricks and one who shows you small-woman tricks.  It was fun, exhausting and educational.

Took a decently long walk at Reiter Foothills with the dogs on Saturday, and then went up the Index wall on Sunday. There was still quite a bit of snow once we got into the forest, which made for some struggles with footing as well as struggles trying to stay on the correct path. It was a challenge, but we got to the top. Then coming down.... mama mia. As usual, coming down is LOTS worse for me than going up, and this was the worst it's ever been. I hope it was just the snow and all, and not my new normal. My knees felt like Ziplock baggies filled with broken glass and thumbtacks. When I got up for work that night, they felt like Ziplock baggies full of broken glass and thumbtacks encased in water balloons that were filled just shy of bursting. The degree of visible swelling at and just above
my knees was disturbing. I've never seen them like that.

It scared me. I was picturing being older and having them feel like that all the time.

I draw a strong line of distinction between pain versus incapacity.  My knees were bad enough last night that if I had found myself in a situation where I needed to throw down, I fear one or both of them may have mechanically given out. That is two VERY different places.... the place where you say, "this hurts, maybe hurts BAD, but if I need to do X, I can," versus "I mechanically can NOT make my body do X".

On the good side, the slight (unrelated) knee injury that was bugging me earlier in the week made it through 2 BJJ classes and 3 hikes without problems.

Oops, I did it AGAIN

Risk assessment is probably the most valuable skill in communicating with the altered mental state. A mentally ill person may or may not be more dangerous than anyone else. But they may be more dangerous and they are certainly less predictable.  –Rory Miller


OMG, I am so sore.

Even though I was tired after lunchtime class, I went to Bellevue to evening class because Chrisanne and Lindsay were going to be there. Horribly, I ended up rejecting poor Lindsay AGAIN for drilling. I apologized a million times.... I am just so paranoid about keeping Chrisanne away from the spazzy assholes, and Lindsey has much better skills at this point for protecting herself against spazzy assholes. I suggested that the two of them drill together and I would find someone else, but Lindsay ended up drilling with Peter (who is not spazzy asshole, BTW).

I should note that that tall white belt guy I sparred with on Thursday turned out to be on Chrisanne's "Spazzy Asshole" list. I didn't have that bad of a time with him, but I had played spider guard to keep him off my ribs. When I gave him the pre-spar "don't kill me, I'm old" speil, he was like, "But you're a PURPLE belt." Me: "I still do not have enough skills at this point to counteract strong young guys who are much bigger, so BE CAREFUL." Turns out that when Chrisanne gave him her speil, he did the same to her: "But you're a blue belt" and then went on to smash her. She won't roll with him any more. I was glad to hear that she was both giving the speech and and keeping a Red List... both things that I had to talk to her a LOT about over the last two years. I am relieved that she is being assertive about boundaries. I still worry constantly about who she is rolling with and whether she is safe.

Drills..... standup, judo grip to failed single leg to rear clinch; judo grip to single leg setup. Note that this particular one involved pinching opponent's leg between one's knees.

Standing guard pass to a squat at opponent's hip, pressing far knee to the floor and trapping near leg atop your own thigh. This was similar to what we did last week- and also similarly, it was all about having that thigh well pinned, ABOVE the knee. We then did a variation on this, starting with a spider guard and ending with a lapel grip. In this case, it was necessary to consciously shoot that arm OVER the THIGH and then pin that thigh there with the elbow. As soon as you start getting tired and sloppy with these drills, the first thing to go is the most important thing- pinning that thigh.

Drills with enough speed and repetition that I truly thought I was going to lose my dinner.

At the end, I felt like a crushed pop can, but I had driven all the way in here to be able to play with Chrisanne and Lindsay. I also rolled with Casey a bit. Tonight I did not allow myself to lie under bottom half guard with Lindsay... forced myself to keep moving and try different things. Unfortunately this ended with me tapping to a mounted triangle. But I really do need to not lie there in bottom half guard.

I was reflecting on the road today (lots of commuting time) that my focus on self-defensive martial arts is probably a large reason why I am so reluctant to work outside my safety zone. In sport martial arts, if you take a risk and lose, you lose a medal. In defensive MA, if you take a risk and lose, you're DEAD.  Rory Miller talks a lot about how people freeze up and do other unhelpful things that they have learned to respond with, simply for the reason that doing so has not killed them yet.  I need to continue to force myself to- at the very least- not lie there on the bottom.

My sparring performance was not up to this afternoon's performance, which I had expected (exhaustion combined with the persistant phenomenon of every single bout of "Hey, I was decent" to be immediately followed by a bout of "I suck" just to keep me humble). However, I was pleased that I kept sparring for that long after doing a class that almost made me puke. Right up until....

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I did it AGAIN.... I rolled my goddam left ankle out. And I did it the exact same way I did it the last two times this happened: by trying to do a standing guard pass to the left when I was really tired, and I put my foot down and rolled it outward. Lord, it hurt. I collapsed on the mat, and Lindsay got me some ice. After about 5 min I was able to get up, and am now walking with only a tiny limp- but we'll see what it's like in the morning. I am really frustrated that I keep doing this, but at least it was on the last class before my work rotation starts. If this had happened Thurs lunchtime, I would have been SUPER pissed. As it is, hopefully I will be reasonably sound by next class on Thursday. I do need to really set a mental flag on that play, though: when I go to do a standing guard pass on the left when I'm tired, I need to pay really close attention to how I set my foot on the floor as well as how I transfer weight onto that foot. I am really tired of this particular recurring injury.

Welcome to jiu jitsu.

The duelist is interested in winning, in maintaining honor. The professional (criminal) is interested in killing, as quickly and efficiently as possible.  –Rory Miller



Friday evening BJJ in Bellevue.

White belt #1: "How's your knee doing?"

White belt #2: "It's a little better now, but yesterday I wrenched the &#^$ out of my elbow......"

Kitsune: "Welcome to Jiu Jitsu, where you repeatedly acquire a new injury before your previous injury has healed. You will never be healthy again."

To their credit, they seemed psyched by this instead of troubled. Those are the types that might stick it out.

Standup, judo grips. Take your foot on the side that you're gripping the LAPEL (and note that in this technique you want a deep, back-of-the-neck grip), and cross it so that you whack opponent's opposite shin with your instep. Stomp the foot to the floor between hir feet, turn, and jerk partner off balance with the gi grips. You are shoving hir down with the lapel grip and pulling hir toward you with a twist using the sleeve grip. (I love these takedowns that involve twisting the person so that the back of their shoulder is forced toward the floor.) Now kick your heel up (the same active foot that you were using before) and displace the leg. If your jerk was effective, the opponent's weight should be on that leg and s/he should go down as if poleaxed.

If this does not work, follow up by shoving opponent away from you while you use the same active foot to shoot out and inward-hook opponent's OTHER leg.

Ideally you want to have control of that knee as s/he lands on hir back. I had to ask Prof Herbert which grip to release in order to do that. You release the lapel grip and grab for the inside of the knee pantleg grip. I guess it was a good question, as he then chose to build upon the technique thusly:

Now that you have the person on the ground on hir back with one knee between your knees, and you have an elbow grip (on the outside) and a pantleg grip (inside of knee)..... donkey-kick that inside leg out and go to KOB.

Next: opponent turns in to you and pushes on your knee. Now armbar.

Chrisanne and I discovered that doing the takedown on one's stupid side- while not very much more difficult- resulted in the opponent having a MUCH harder time both staying balanced as well as being able to do anything helpful while falling. This would only be true of right-handed people, presumably. But the difference was marked enough that it would be reasonable to make a concerted effort to drill this on the dumb side.

One roll with Chrisanne and one with that flexible blue belt guy (I really need to remember his name....) I got a choke on him that he was very admiring of. Many people have been praising me a lot lately. It doesn't seem to be having any effect at all on my poor self-appraisal.

Thursday- yep, it's still hot

The more peaceful a group, the easier they are to victimize.  –Rory Miller


Two doses of drills, lunchtime and evening.  Gordon was teaching. Since he is doing Monkey Bar Gym as well as training pretty much 24/7, he never gets tired. His warmups are brutal. As usual, partway through the warmups for class #2, my body and brain were both commenting, "This was a dumb-ass idea."  However, I was not nauseous at the end, even though it was as hot as it's been the last few weeks. That's a relief.

Pick-your-own-takedowns, 3 min per partner. Followed by pick-your-own-sweeps, pick-your-own-passes. Wash, rinse, repeat.

A few spars at the end of each class. In the evening I got completely disassembled by that tiny little elderly brand new blue belt. Jesus. Gotta hand it to him. I really hope he sticks with it.

Still having significant pain whenever I kneel on my knee at a certain angle- both of them. This is from the falling-down-the-stairs incident which was like a month ago. I'm starting to wonder if I chipped off a couple of bone frags in there or something. That ankle that I rolled out a long time ago is functioning fine now, but I still get a little flutter of worry in my belly whenever I come down hard on it and it's not perfectly aligned. Getting old sucks.

"No pants! No pants!"

Self-defense is far more difficult emotionally than physically. The mechanics, in other words, are simpler and for most people easier than the will aspects. –Rory Miller


Saturday no-gi in Kirkland.

Partner drills- hip-ups, armbars from guard, pummelling.

Arm drags from standing, take the back. Partner pushes down your 2nd arm as it comes around, steps out with hip thrust, turn to face you.

You in butterfly guard, partner on knees. You arm drag and scoot under to deep half. KEEP THE ARM (this was my error). Hook the foot and move shin out. This torques the person's knee and makes them unlikely to argue when you pull them into back mount.

Same entry, this time you post and brace forearm across hir collarbone. Scoot butt out a bit. Bring foot (on the opposite side as you have the armbrace) underneath and hook toe on the outside of opponent's knee. Swim your armbrace to underhook as you place your forehead against the collarbone instead. Plow forehead into opponent's chin  (this sucks mightily to be on the recieving end of, and distracts you from protesting the rest of the technique) as you grab hir tricep to keep hir from posting and butterfly sweep her to front mount.

KOTH from back mount. I was sucking so badly here today, badly enough for Cindy to notice and get disgusted with me. I recieved a long lecture on my persistant 1)failure to mount any offense, and 2)insistance on being too nice to my partners to the point that I am not doing the techniques correctly out of reluctance to discomfit them. This discussion was accompanied by tactile learning aids in the form of a brutal elbow to the breastbone that forced some embarrassing sounds from me. I was informed that I do not need to be nice to Pedro or Aussie Dave, who both assured me smilingly that this is true. Aussie Dave is just one of the downright sweetest people I know, and my mind quails from the image of me grinding my forearm into his throat.

One spar with Aussie Dave, then I watched Cindy roll with Jill. I yelled at Jill that this was no-gi and she had to let go of Cindy's pants. For the rest of the roll, she kept grabbing pants and then letting go like she'd been burned, squawking in dismay, "No pants! I forgot! No pants!"

Ankle is a little worse today. It seemed to be doing reasonably okay on Thursday, but it did not like Friday or Saturday training. I can still see visible swelling. Must dig out ankle brace.
 

Let's flow roll.

Get in shape. It makes you look less like a victim, plus it also makes life more fun. Your own body is the best toy you will ever have. It’s more fun tuned up. –Rory Miller



Fri: 134.6

Typical. Skip one class, gain over a pound and a half. Ankle's better today, though, Still ugly, but I can walk down stairs without having to take them one at a time and pause on each one.

Thurs: 135.4

Dayum   :(

Thursday evening "advanced" class in Bellevue.

A few minutes of drills: you on your back, partner standing and holding your knees. Get up (correctly) and segue into a takedown. Note that getting up "correctly" usually involves lead foot penetrated deeply between opponent's feet.

The rest of the class was a series of 8 minute spars with rotating partners.

I started with Peter, and we agreed to go light and easy because of my ankle. We flow rolled, and that was perfect to ease back in. Shrimping on the bad side was- bad, but I didn't have any other major issues today. I was careful, and asked all my partners to be careful.

Nadine- found out that she is a judo practitioner, which explains a lot.

Chris was there, it was very nice to see him after a long time.

I am on the bench.

The outside of my left ankle looks like it has a half of a tennis ball sewn under the skin, and I'm walking like an old lady.

To add insult to injury, I have an aural hematoma. A small one, and in a fairly unobtrusive place- I'm just going to leave it unless it really starts to blow up- but c'mon. I only did one and a half classes without my earguards. I guess there will be no more of that, ever.

A fierce pixie

Many people train and prepare by walking along the way of the warrior, but never discover- or maybe just forget- what battle they have been training for. The battle rages in front of their eyes and they don’t realize it. The small psychodramas of daily life distract them to the point of taking away their global vision and making them forget why they set out walking the warrior’s path in the first place. Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path



Evening BJJ in Bellevue. It has been a long time since I did a Too-fer. It makes Carlos so happy. He made a huge deal out of it.

Jumped on Daniel before class and rolled around with him a little, then Ross.

Same things we were doing this morning. Unfortunately, as I started to get tired on Round Deux of the rapid fancy footwork, I got sloppy (as so often happens). As I dodged to the left and put my foot down, the ankle rolled out. I have done exactly this before. I really need to pay good conscious attention to my tendency to do these things when I get tired.

I have done worse, but it hurts. I had to stop and writhe around on the mat for a while, holding my foot, while Carlos jumped in to finish the drill set with my partner. I was then able to continue, but had to opt out of sparring at the end. I was annoyed at having driven all the way back into Bellevue and not being able to spar, especially when I am trying to drop a couple pounds. I had also been hoping to get in some more hiking this weekend. Now I'm not sure if I'll even be able to do any classes tomorrow. I won't really know how bad it is till morning.

I was drilling with a little bitty blue belt that I have never seen before- Nadine. She can't be any bigger than Chrisanne. But what a fierce little pixie. She was kicking my ass. I gave up three or four taps to her during the positional sparring. I was being careful to not use weight or strength on her; her technique was (mostly) good, and I just didn't feel like escalating. My ego only whined a little bit... and only because it seemed like Carlos and Herbert were both standing right there watching us much of the time. Carlos actually stopped us at one point to tell her to back off on the elbow/forearm grinding into my ear and face.

I got this note from Chrisanne:

"You are a very thoughtful, aware training partner. You teach me, you push me, you make me work to be the best I can. That's why I like working with you."

Wow. That feels great.

Neckless

…Violence… is the most international and oldest language there is. It is common to all societies. It is attached to the very fabric of life. Depending on their fighting ability, every animal on earth ends up taking on the role of predator or prey. Not only nearly all animals fight, but even the cells inside our bodies fight against germs and bacteria. No one who lives in a physical body can completely ignore the language of violence. Whether by choice or not, anyone may have to deal with it. -Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path


Four black belts in the mat for Friday evening in Bellevue. Prof. Herbert is back. Not only that, he remembered my name. Happy to have him and his bag of little-guy tricks in the house again.  Also fun- as always- to watch the Brazilians learning English. Today he learned "calf".

Armbar from guard. Herbert used a cross tricep grip and a deep lapel grip. He observed that I fail to get my leg into the armpit firmly enough and also fail to bear down on the opponent with my shins (which second persistant problem of mine Cindy has oft commented on as well).

Failed armbar from guard, reach across opponent's throat to grab your own ankle. This can end up as a choke, a crank, or a crushing of the bones around the eye socket, depending on how well you can get into position (or not). My drill partner had no neck (when I pointed this out to him, he cheerfully agreed that other classmates had complained of the same), so this fact combined with the extreme shortitude of my legs made this one a real problem. It was barely possible- on the stupid side only- by using my pants cuff (Doug informed me that I am allowed to put my fingers in my own pants cuff, which I was not aware was legal).

Same entry, but opponent defends by pulling the arm out. You paste hir OTHER arm to your chest, hip out and turn on your side, making sure to hook your toe behind hir neck. Bring the other foot over hir head and gogoplata. I loved this, although I'm probably not going to be able to retain it until it comes around another few times. I am inexperienced with the gogoplata. Prof. Herbert has shown another couple of gogoplata moves in the past. I think they will be great for me, they seem made for my shape and flexibility.

Positional sparring from closed guard. Then a roll with Doug and one with a blue belt guy whom I have worked with once before, but his name escapes me at the moment.

Right elbow continues to be painful and weak. It has been over two months. Left shoulder is even worse (just over a month on that one). I have been very careful on the mat and have asked all partners to be careful as well. Left shoulder is actually causing me a considerable amount of pain while trying to sleep. I wish these damn things would heal up already.

Thank you for showing up.

Absence is the most efficient survival strategy. –Rory Miller



Thursday lunchtime BJJ in Bellevue.

Taking nearly a month off class does not appear to have had any effect on my injured elbow. It was a bit worse after the tournament. I'm frustrated with it, but I guess it's time to just suck it up and keep going, working around it as best as possible.

Drilled with a new woman- Christy. She's already got some really good basics. She informed me that she had "HEARD of me". Geez. Cindy was present today, and immediately proceeded to tell Christy all about how I like to neck-crank little kids.

Butterfly guard. You grab opponent's ankles. Place left foot in hir rt hip. Turn on your right hip and pull hir left leg crossways across your lap. Your right knee should be under this leg. Curl up and scoot in terribly close, low, as if you are trying to crawl right up hir butt. Do not let go of the ankle. Once you are tucked right up in there, you can let go of the ankle and grab the back of hir belt. Technical lift to get your leg in position to take the back.

You standing, opponent on hir back with feet up. You swipe hir left foot to the side and step your right foot to hir left hip. Hike up on one leg and paste your bent left leg against hir left leg, right under the knee. Fall onto your right hip. Pinch knees together, opponent's leg between them. Grab the pantleg. Tripod up, in a sort of KOB position, only you are KOT (knee on thigh). Keep the shin, and pressure down on the thigh to keep them there. Grab the near lapel. When s/he pushes back, pull the leg, turn your hip and go to side control.

I was at first grabbing the far lapel, as I generally like to do, and Prof. Carlos came over to correct me.

Kitsune: "Why don't I want to hold the far lapel?"
Carlos: "You want to try eet on me?"
Kitsune: "NO."

Christy was kind enough to rescue me at that point by setting up an armbar to demo why you don't want to hold that lapel, and I'm sure she did it much gentler than Carlos would have. I thanked her humbly.

Christy had a brace on her ankle, so I was being extra careful, but Carlos still came over to warn me to fall on my HIP and not my back, so as not to injure her. He even started to suggest that I switch to the other side, but she demurred. Now, I'm very happy that he is diligent about looking out for everyone's safety, especially the women. But it irritates me and hurts my feelings when he acts like he thinks I'm going to injure people by being careless. I know Cindy's just giving me crap when she does this- she knows that I'm very careful and I am extremely safe for anyone to work with. I can't help thinking that that *ONE* time that I accidentally extended Kelly's elbow a bit too much and she yelped during drills has burned into his mind that I'm unsafe. That was a very, very, VERY isolated incident in a long history of safe martial arts partnering, and she was *FINE*.  I wish we could put that in the past. I don't like feeling that Carlos regards me as an unsafe partner.

Several rounds of positional sparring from butterfly guard. Then one round with Christy and one with Nelson. Nice to see him again. He has cracked his floating ribs. He actually went to the doctor, so you know it hurts pretty damn bad.

When we lined up to bow out, Carlos thanked a number of people for a number of different things, and then added, "Thank you Keetsune, for showing up."  Blush.

Elbow

 

The Process Predator requires time and privacy for what he intends to do. One of the reasons that home invasion crimes are so brutal is because our homes are set up to be secure and offer privacy. If the Process Predator does not come to the victim, he will try to move the victim to another place with more privacy and security. This is called a secondary crime scene. It is very, very bad. There is no good outcome from a violent criminal wanting to spend private time with you. The fact that he is attempting to move you to a secondary crime scene or has invaded your home is a solid indicator that you are probably dealing with a Process Predator. If you do not end the situation, it can and probably will escalate to rape, torture and murder. Any risk to escape is worth the price. Get out of there. –Rory Miller

 

 

I’m not dead, I just haven’t been training because I have an elbow injury that I was hoping would get better before the tournament. Unfortunately, it appears to be acting like some sort of ligament issue. It hurts mostly while performing certain motions (clockwise twist, pinching finger/thumb, mostly), and it’s been almost forever (ie, more than two weeks) with little if any improvement. It encompasses both pain and involuntary loss of function (ie, I am physically unable to  simply ignore it and keep doing whatever I want to do). It even hurts to squeeze the little plastic bottle to administer my cats’ prescription eyedrops, and to shake little bottles of chemicals to mix them up at work . Of course it’s my dominant arm/hand. I’ve decided to not scratch. I’m going to consider competing with this injury to be a Learning Experience. After all, if someone attacked me right now, I’d have to fight him off with this injury, right? How would I do? How would I compensate? Would I be able to elicit a Plan B, or would I get stuck in a helpless loop of  trying and failing at Plan A?

My gi bracket has already been cancelled. Again. No purple belts, again. I’m supposed to have 2 competitors in intermediate no-gi.

 

Back on the bench

FML.  :(

Back to work

In order to resist [suffering] for a long time, we have to be able to move the mind somewhere else. Beyond the body, beyond the sharp teeth of Pain. We can keep on suffering stoically….. or we can use it to learn to move our consciousness at will. Pain and fatigue exhaust the body until the rational mind, not the least intrigued by all of this, decides to take off and leave us free to explore other states of consciousness. -Daniele Bolelli, On The Warrior’s Path

 

Photo: this is from the Grappleton. That's Chris. ;)

Thursday lunchtime at Bellevue. I was so excited to see Chrisanne come in. I haven't seen her in months.

You standing, partner in open guard. You grab hir left ankle with your right hand, place the heel on your hipbone, step your left toe in against hir butt and your rt heel to hir left hip. Bend your knees a bit. Pinch your knees together on hir thigh. Your elbow should be flared.

Now clamp the foot under your arm and let your right knee turn out so that you can drop on it, then onto your back. Do not drop straight back unless you hate your training partner and want to break hir ankle.

If you can't finish the ankle lock, do a technical lift to get to back to standing, while thrusting your arm out to straightarm opponent in the chest to keep hir off you.

It's always exhausting to do reps of a technique that has you getting down and then up, down and then up, down and then up......

Now, same opening, but when you try to finish the ankle lock, opponent hops hir butt over your foot. You respond by keeping that foot clamped under your bicep (I found it really helpful to clench my hand on the ankle/heel), continue the roll in the same direction and end on your knees. your toe should be hooked over opponent's thigh right at the groin. (If you stay choked up really tight on that foot, you really have no choice about that and it's one less thing to have to think about.) This is kind of nasty, so I was really happy to be working with Chrisanne on this, and not with some big spaz (or with Hostility Boy, who was there today... lovely to see you home for the holidays buddy...NOT).

One roll with Chrisanne.
--------------------------------------------

The Thursday no-gi class is gone (I was expecting that to happen). There is now an open mat at 4:30.

The unfortunate thing is that there is a Monkey Bar Gym class and a Boxing class at 5:30, which means that if you want to do open mat and then regular class, you have to either stay for one of those things (and commit to 3+ straight hours of hard exercise) or have an hour to kill.

Today, though, the MBG had not begun yet, and no one else showed up for open mat- so Kelly and I (who had coordinated to meet) ended up having two full hours to roll no-gi. It was great.

I spent a lot of time on the bottom as usual, but I did manage to do a little bit better at keeping her off me in order to play a little more open guard and even try for a few subs and other techniques from guard (a weakness for me).

We gave each other some good feedback, and did a little experimenting (most notably with Del a Riva). We also did a small amount of standup.

I overextended my left elbow. It wasn't Kelly's fault, it was an accident. I was able to continue, but it hurts. I'm irritated that this happened my first day back on the mats from my sprained-toe-benching. I had planned to do two classes tomorrow and one Saturday, so I hope it's going to be functional in the morning. My toe is a little painful but almost fully functional.

Proving Grounds II

Physical force is one of the most effective ways to get what you want. “Violence never solved anything” is not just a myth, but one of those statements of breathtaking absurdity. Violence has solved most of the problems that people have had until the modern era (it’s pretty much the only thing you can do about eating and not being eaten). Weapons make violence easier and safer.  –Rory Miller



We had a five-woman bracket in no-gi. That was awesome. I had to fight all four of them. All tough ladies who fought good hard fights. I was so tired.

The first two, I didn't know. I had weight on them- which I used- and experience on them. I felt reasonably in control most of the time. Both were very flexible and squirmy, though. They made me work for it. I got the first one with a papercutter and the second one with an RNC.

Amy was next, and I knew she'd be harder. We ended the first match (which is timed) with no subs. I was on top most of the time.

Now Hadley, when I was really tired. She got me with an armbar.

I got a nice hip throw on one of them, I think it was Amy. Excited about that.

I thought they were going to have me fight Amy again, but they didn't. I came in second.

Notes: I have ethereal control, yet I don't think I have really found a way to use it in BJJ. There were two points today where I got in position for an RNC in such a way that my arm around the shoulders felt just like a key sliding into a lock. I then failed to finish it promptly, because for some reason I have a pattern of doing everything very slowly and deliberately... which gives the foe time to escape. Now, many people slam subs on too hard, and I'm usully advising people to slow down and be careful. But this is where I should be exploiting my control. I should be slamming faster and harder. I know I have the skill to do it without injuring people. I'm not sure what the mental block is.... I'm beginning to suspect that I'm trying to set a good example because I don't want them to start slamming things on *ME*. It's hard enough to get some people to chill out and quit slamming things without having to try to explain to them why I am doing it and yet they should not. In comp, though, I should let myself employ that advantage.
 
Since my hands are always freezing, I wear cotton fingerless elbow length gloves everywhere, indoors and out. Today  figured it would be plenty toasty in the gym, so I left them at home. Of course my hands and feet were blocks of ice, while my armpits were like faucets. I kept sticking my hands in my armpits to try to warm them up, because I was worried about my grips. Next time, bring gloves **AND** warm fuzzy socks.

The toe, to my relief, did not seem to be a factor. (Thank Gods, now I can go back to class after this work rotation.)

Not sure how to improve the exhaustion factor. I ate an enormous scrambled egg breakfast and was well hydrated. I'm glad that I didn't try to do gi today as well (although Hadley was bummed). I think there's still a significant adrenaline dump effect going on. My nerves were perhaps a bit better than the last Rev and PG. Still there, but not with the dramatic draining weakness. 


------------------
Hey!! I won a free Revolution registration at the Grapplethon! (I think the worth of that actually leaves me in the black.)

My assistant wanted to know why I was a little late on Saturday morning, and when I told her, she gave me ten dollars to donate.

The take from the Grapplethon has hit TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Holy cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have decided to get a Dauntless Flame tattoo. I made some temporary tat stickers to get the size and location (left side, far enough to not interfere with the existing kanji) right, but still waffling on color/outlining. I'd like it to have red/orange/yellow, but I think it's going to require some back outlining.  I'm going to get Fire tattooed on me on the winter solstice, which I find subversive and amusing.   ;)

*$%#!*&^%!!!!

Fuck!!! I'm on the bench.

I have a tournament in eleven days!   :(

You Shall Not Pass

In combat, neither a knife nor a gun is used for winning fights. Get over that. They are used for killing people. That is a profound difference. –Rory Miller



Sun: 129.5

Sunday lunchtime BJJ in Seattle. I had e-mailed Kelly and also posted on the GB Sea FB page trawling for some Fun-size people to come to this class, but again it was a bunch of huge guys and me. Then later on, Casey and Cindy came in- so that was a little better!

I ate a huge carb-heavy breakfast this morning, so I wanted to work.

I spent about 40 min rolling no-gi with Peter before class. He's so huge and muscley, but he's really good about letting me work without being *too* condescendingly nice. He was leaving me just enough room to get out of stuff, *IF* I was really squirmy- so that was good practice, since I need to be more squirmy.

As usual, positional KOTH. Today, two purple belts and a brown belt literally just threw up their hands and surrendered to my bottom half guard. They simply could not pass (without Hulk-smashing), and finally just gave up trying and conceded defeat. Casey complimented me after class on my game, which is flattering, but I don't really consider this a positive. I said to Peter, "One of these days I'm going to be able to actually *DO* something with this bottom half guard instead of just lock it on and throw away the key.... and then you're all going to be screwed."

After class, Cindy was kind enough to work no-gi takedowns with me. We did 50 each.

Double leg: Lower level. Then step almost between opponent's feet with right foot. drop to right knee. Place hands on BACKS OF SHINS. Just place them there, don't clench. (Cindy doesn't like where I'm grabbing nor how I'm grabbing.) Prop left leg out to side, foot on mat. DO NOT BEND OVER AT THE WAIST! Place body right against opponent. Turn into opponent- you're not facing right into hir, but getting close. Stand up. DO NOT REMAIN ON BOTH KNEES! Place head against opponent's armpit. Odd as it seems, this feel like the key pivot point. Don't fixate on trying to lift the legs. It's about that erect body posture pressing at the right angle.

There are a lot of counterintuitive details in this. I don't know how Cindy keeps her patience. She must have explained to me about sixty times, and she still didn't slap me when I kept doing it wrong.

I crunched my right big toe on her shin. After hopping around and cursing for a few minutes,  I was able to finish the takedowns session, but when I got home, I iced it and then put jow on it. I hate injuring toes. They're so little and stupid, but it's really impossible to do martial arts with injured toes- especially the large ones. I hope this is not going to bench me. I have several days off this coming week, and I want to train a lot.