Walking and weeping

Freeing the body inevitably leads to freeing the heart.  –Gabrielle Roth



My cat died yesterday. He has been on borrowed time for several years now, so I thought I was prepared (as prepared as one can be for such a thing), but it is really hitting me hard. Could not do Thursday class. Cried a lot, which I do very rarely, and I hate it- partly because it plays hell with my already-awful sinuses. Now I am going to be congested as hell and headachey for days, even if I wasn't STILL crying off and on, which I am.

I have been walking every day with the dogs. Several shortie trips up and down the neighbors' road over the course of a day, to pee, plus one long walk/hike every morning, lasting an hour or two. We have been hitting many of the trails and parks along the Highway 2 corridor from Monroe to Stevens' Pass. Today we did the Heybrook Lookout trail.

Friday evening BJJ in Bellevue. Warmed up by rolling a little with Peter. His grips are getting scary good, along with everything else. I was able to keep him off me for a while with good spider guard, though.

We drilled several leg drag passes. They were interesting ones, too, that I have not done before, but forgive me- I am just too fucking tired and weepy to notate them tonight. I think I did well by just going to class tonight and not crying on the mat.

Once again I have gotten out of the habit of staying after class to roll. Just so damn tired. I need to use a wet paper towel to cool off my face and then just sit for five min, and then I will almost certainly be good to go for at least one.

I have finally made a doctor's appointment regarding the fact that I can't fall asleep and can't stay asleep for more than 40 min at a time. I haven't slept more than two hours and change per night for a couple of months now, and that broken into 3 or 4 pieces.  I  am going to ask for a non-addictive, temporary course of sleeping pills.  I am also going to ask to try an anti-anxiety medication. I do not want to be on drugs. I do not want to be officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I have resisted this for so long, and I am really unhappy about it, but I am convinced that I have a brain chemistry imbalance. The fact that my mind won't ever stop spinning like a mouse on a wheel is certainly contributing to- if not causing- my sleep issues. This cannot continue- sooner or later I am going to make a serious error at work or behind the wheel, and someone else is going to suffer because of my resistance to getting help. I need to get it together before that happens. The appointment is on Tuesday morning.