Crappy, crappy day today.
Friday morning "competition training" at Gracie Seattle. Positional sparring and timed matches only.
Bryan has a bad groin pull, so Carlos kept putting him with me so that he'd be going light. I got Bryan 3 times, Marc once, Dex once.
Repeat of yesterday. I just couldn't seem to do anything effective, and the guys were just manhandling me around the mat doing whatever they pleased to me. Getting put on my back no matter what I do to prevent it. Getting put in closed guard no matter how hard I fight to stop it. Bottom half guard all the time. I was trying to do the escapes that I've been drilling at Cindy's, but the guys were just casually flattening me out on my back and then replacing full mount.
Bryan got me in a kimura and just held me there for a really long time. Since he wasn't finishing it, I took that to mean there was an escape that he was patiently waiting for me to figure out.... so I struggled and struggled, but there was no way out. I was really frustrated.
"Do you see what I'm trying to teach you there?"
"NO." (dripping with venom, through gritted teeth that were just barely suppressing tears)
"When somebody has you trapped that tight, just tap. You just have to tap."
"I don't *NEED* you to teach me how to tap. I know how to tap. I tap constantly, every fucking day."
He spent all three rolls just tooling up on me, while I lay there on the bottom and was unable to do a thing. He choked me really long and hard, but I wouldn't tap, because refusing to tap was the only thing into which I could channel my fury and frustration and dispair.
He tells me I'm getting better, and that's why he's pushing me so hard- that's why everybody is- that he's never pushed me as hard as he pushed me today.
I went in the locker room, sat on the floor behind the door, and cried. That's a first. There was one time after getting smashed by an asshole that I *felt* like crying after class, but this is the first time in more than a year and a half of BJJ that I've actually done it.
Nothing really happened today that hasn't happened pretty much every day for the last year and a half. But I guess today's frustrating training day on top of yesterday's frustrating training day was just a bit much. I know Bryan's trying to help, and he's not my enemy- but today he pushed me too far.
I don't know what to do to get out of this rut. I am so sick of coming in every day for a year and a half and getting smashed over and over and over, by everyone in the place, and feeling like it might as well be my first day. Even people on their first day can smash me. And every day I am forced to tie on this belt that I am not worthy of, like a cruel joke.
All I want to do is crawl into bed and lie there until I die. But I'm supposed to call CC in a half hour and try to schedule a time tonight to go over there and train with RS. I don't know how I can face that today. But this is my first and only chance to see RS in about two years, and who knows when or if I'll ever get another one.
Wow. This post the Angry Hugging blog just arrived in my inbox as I was writing this.
http://angryhugging.wordpress.com/2010/11/19/winter-in-kiev/
Kitsune, maybe you need a rest. Tournament training is tough and you've pushed yourself.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you're feeling. The getting smashed, not getting stuff to work, etc. It gets so much more frustrating when your body is exhausted.
The little voice in my head tells me to keep going, that to give up is pathetic; it is the opposite of what Angry Hugging is talking about. But my body sometimes says enough, I'll embarrass you by making you cry on the mat, not everything you do has to be hard. Then my body starts getting lots of little injuries.
I am trying to learn to listen to my body and ignore the pushy voice in my head.